


Sink Into Your Sunlight

by tasteofink



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M, Road Trips, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, i'm pretty limited on tags here, it's just copious amounts of neil and andrew being together, probably ooc sometimes, very light on the rest of the foxes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-25 02:40:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 33,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17716499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tasteofink/pseuds/tasteofink
Summary: "These days are good as gold so I will never let go."There's a road trip, kisses, and learning to trust before they almost lose each other.





	Sink Into Your Sunlight

**Author's Note:**

> This is self-edited so all mistakes are mine. This idea came from my deep desire for Neil to have a better ending to his long, messy story. Mentioned in the tags that some moments are probably slightly out of character, but sue me for wanting some softness for these two.
> 
> If you take some time out of your day to read this, please know I appreciate it
> 
>  
> 
> ~~~

_“Mom?”_

_Neil feels the weight of the word on his tongue, the burn in his throat that comes with it, but there is no sound. He tries again and nothing comes out. Neil’s fingers curl in and press crescents into his skin and he feels broken. Every part of his body aches and the taste of blood lingers on his tongue and teeth._

_He tries to call out for her again and still nothing. Water threatens to lap at his feet, but it doesn’t get quite close enough. It creeps in small waves, stained red and smelling of salt and fire._

_Running is impossible and speaking isn’t an option and flames are closing in slowly, but surely, growing hotter with every passing second that feels like hours. Neil gets his voice back in a hoarse choke, but it’s hard to hear himself over the roaring of fire and water. His own name is called out from somewhere down the beach and he tries to follow it, but it’s like he’s walking into the fire. Like it wants to burn him to nothing._

_“Neil.”_

_No, Neil thinks, but the word ends up swallowed._

_Neil tries to walk away, but it’s like he’s being pulled now. Smoky claws wrap around his wrists and ankles and drag him away and every scream, every plea gets stuck in his throat. There is too much smoke and it smells like blood and fire and the water seems so far away now and-_

“Neil.”

Neil opens his eyes and chokes on nothing. He pushes himself up, scrambling to feel what’s real. There are sheets and no sand, no smoke in the air. There is himself covered in sweat with a racing heart and Andrew, bringing him back.

“What the fuck.”

“I was on the beach. I felt like I was dying.”

“Look at me,” Andrew tells him. 

Neil drags his tired eyes to Andrew and the reality sets in further.

“You’re ok. You’re alive. The next time you wake me up, you might not be so lucky.”

Neil nods and looks down again. Andrew takes his place next to Neil and Neil offers a quiet “Yes or no?” before he rests his head on Andrew’s chest. Andrew says yes and Neil latches onto him, breathes him in, lets Andrew be the anchor he always is. They leave for their cross-country roadtrip tomorrow so Neil counts the beats of Andrew’s heart to help him fall asleep.

~

Goodbyes have never been Neil’s strong suit. Considering he led a life on the run for the majority of his years, he never had a chance to get close to anyone, so goodbyes were never a thing to be said or upset over.

Now Neil has a family. He’s only saying goodbye for a little while, but it doesn’t matter how long he or anyone else is gone. He misses the Foxes when they aren’t in the same room sometimes and that’s something he’s still getting used to another year into Palmetto. The semester is ending and everyone is parting ways till July when they come back for early move-in and extra training and practices.

Matt is with his mom, Renee with Stephanie. Dan is joining her girls for a getaway and Allison is tagging along for some of that time. Kevin is staying by Palmetto of course, because home has always been where the court is and now it’s where Coach is, too. Aaron and Nicky are staying, but they’ll be in Columbia, and Aaron convinced Katelyn to hang around for a week before she goes home. Neil wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up staying longer.

Andrew normally would have stayed with his brother and cousin, but some time during the last week of classes Neil brought up that road trip they never took. They started planning during finals once Neil got the ok from the FBI agents. He sees them almost regularly thanks to the trials and they give him updates he only accepts in consideration of ensuring his safety. Romero and Jackson haven’t been located and are presumably on the run from authorities. Neil was told, “They won’t do anything because it’s too risky for them, but try to keep a low profile,” and that’s what he’s done.

“If we go West, we’ll end up in California,” Neil observed.

Neil expected- hoped for, quite honestly- a quick, harsh rebuttal. Instead, a cool smile crossed Andrew’s face and Neil felt his heart drop into his stomach.

“That could be interesting, no?”

“Interesting how?”

Andrew laid his head on Neil’s shoulder and batted his eyes up at him, a failed attempt at looking innocent.

“The two of us traumatized boys heading back to the roots of the things that haunt us sounds like an exciting conclusion to a road trip, don’t you think?”

“It sounds like a nightmare.”

Andrew didn’t say anything and it took Neil a minute, but the realization settled on him like a heavy cloak. Andrew wants those old chapters closed for the both of them. Neil looked from the map in front of them to Andrew’s eyes, those eyes that don’t hide him so well anymore, not from Neil at least.

“Is that really what you want?”

“Would I have said it otherwise?”

Neil chewed his lip for a second and gave in with a nod. Neil thinks back to that conversation now as he packs his duffel bag. He tries to shove down the fear and grief that settle in his stomach at the thought of being in the same state as his mother’s remains, but they sink sharply into his gut like knives. Even Andrew’s past weighs on Neil, ties itself to the growing knot in Neil’s stomach.

Neil said his goodbyes to Matt, Dan, and Allison a couple of days ago as their plans started early. He felt silly for being sad, but reminded himself that’s a part of friendship. Andrew rented a car for Nicky and Aaron since he and Neil are taking the Maserati and they drive off now after wishes for safe travels. Aaron was quiet of course, but he looked hopeful. Neil knows Andrew can’t get rid of the part of him that needs to stay by Kevin even after all this time, but he’s getting through it. Renee cocks her head to one side after she helps get one of the bags in the car.

“Have the best time,” she says cheerily. “I’ll see you in July.”

Neil watches only a little surprised as Andrew wraps Renee in a loose, one armed hug.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t,” Andrew says.

Neil bumps Kevin’s shoulder on his way to the car in a silent goodbye.

“Coach says to text him to let him know you guys are alright.”

“Will do.”

“Try to find some room for the work out regimens I gave you,” Kevin adds.

“Since you said it so nicely, no,” Andrew says.

Neil stops in front of Renee and she pulls him into a hug, rests her chin on his shoulder. “Take care of each other. He told me where you’re going.”

Neil pulls back and nods solemnly.

“I want you both back in one piece.”

Neil nods. “If I have to call- if something happens with him, I mean-”

“You can always call me, Neil.”

“Thank you.”

“Go on. I’ll see you soon.”

Neil drops his duffle in the back and gets comfortable in the passenger seat. He pulls out their little packet of directions, sets their water bottles in the cupholders, and keeps a pack of cigarettes within reach. Their major stops are New Orleans, Houston, Colorado Springs, and then wherever they feel like going in California. There would be stops in between of course, but those would just be to crash and rest up. Andrew plans on driving till he physically can’t anymore and Neil figures they’ll either switch places or find a vacant room when that time comes.

For now, it’s open road and music that’s a little too loud, and hands twined together over the cupholders between the seats.

~

The sunset over the open road leaves Neil in awe. He promised his Foxes he would take a lot of pictures, so he starts with that. The view from the driver side window is a brilliant orange and when Neil tells Andrew to smile, he doesn’t, but he does stick his middle finger in the air. Neil snaps a photo and Andrew shakes his head, keeps his eyes on the road. 

They hit some traffic and Neil takes advantage of the nearly still car to fold himself over his seat in search of a snack. He passes a bag of candy to Andrew and munches on a granola bar himself.

“Do you mind if I rest? In case you want me to drive later or something,” Neil says, already getting comfortable.

Andrew shakes his head and points with his thumb over the backseat.

“I packed blankets.”

Neil has the urge to kiss Andrew, but he doesn’t. He just thanks him and grabs one, covers himself and curls into the passenger seat. Andrew lowers the music by a couple of notches and Neil watches him through heavy lidded eyes till sleep takes him. 

~

Neil doesn’t sleep for long and when he wakes up, the only light left streams down from street lamps lining the highway. Andrew pulls off at the next exit and Neil stares at him curiously.

“Waffle House,” Andrew explains. “We’ll eat and then get back on the road.”

They eat in silence and Neil offers to drive, but Andrew turns him down. Neil settles next to him once more and they drive for hours. Neil can see Andrew is getting tired so he leans over and rests his chin on Andrew’s shoulder just for a moment.

“Let’s find a place to crash.”

“I can keep going.”

“I’m sure you can, but you need to rest. I can drive a little while if you want to nap in here.”

“You’re tired, too.”

Neil shrugs, but doesn’t add anything else. Andrew turns off the highway at the next lodging exit about half an hour later and pulls into the first one he sees. Neil handles the front desk while Andrew nods off in a chair in the lobby. Andrew doesn’t swing first thing like he used to when abruptly woken up, but Neil is still cautious. He crouches in front of Andrew and shakes his shoulder as gently as he can, flinches when Andrew wakes up startled.

“Our room is ready.”

Andrew follows Neil into the room and immediately collapses onto the bed. He groans at Neil’s suggestion to change into comfier clothes, so Neil leaves him be. He trades a sweatshirt for a t-shirt and drops his sweats, folds them on top of his bag. Andrew stares at Neil with one eye, the other forced closed by his cheek squished against the mattress.

“Do you plan on sleeping like that?”

“Might as well.”

Neil wastes no time getting in bed. Andrew forces himself up and stumbles out of his jeans. That’s as far as he’ll go apparently because as soon as he steps out of the rumpled fabric around his ankles, he climbs into bed. Neil shuts the bedside lamp and feels warmth flood through him when Andrew kisses his shoulder, a silent good night in his own way. 

~

Neil is the first one awake the next morning. He comes to slowly, forgets exactly where he is for a moment. Reality settles in when he recognizes the hotel room and looks down to see Andrew’s head on his stomach. They’d fallen asleep chest to back with only the slightest bit of space between them and Neil blinks to clear his vision, stares sleepily at Andrew. He notes how every puff of Andrew’s breath warms his skin through his shirt and how Andrew’s hair falls into his eyes when he sleeps at this angle.

Neil shifts carefully and sees they have an hour until check out so he doesn’t bother Andrew. From here to New Orleans it’s only a couple of hours and if there’s traffic it still won’t be too long. Neil reaches down to twist his fingers into Andrew’s hair when Andrew moves around a bit, his body waking up before he does.

Andrew looks up through hooded eyes at Neil. “Is it time to check out?”

“Not quite.”

Andrew lets his head fall back against Neil’s stomach.

“Hey,” Neil says to call Andrew’s attention back. “As much as I’m enjoying this, I think I wanna hop in the shower.”

“No. Ten minutes. When is check out?”

“11:30.”

“Ten minutes,” Andrew repeats.

Neil reaches down to play with Andrew’s hair, trail his fingers how he pleases. When it’s time to get up, Andrew does so reluctantly. They shower fast enough and before they hit the road, they stop at a local diner for breakfast. Andrew flies down open road and Neil tries to calm his racing heart at the sudden swerves and breakneck speed Andrew is driving at. They arrive at their hotel in the French Quarter just a couple of blocks away from Bourbon Street before four.

The pair gets settled in their room and Neil fixes his armbands after changing his shirt to go explore the area. Andrew cleverly figured they should get a hotel within walking distance of the bars and main street area so they leave the car parked, walk hand in hand to find spots to eat or things to do.

“They have haunted walks, do you wanna do one of those?”

“Do you believe in ghosts?” Andrew counters.

“I don’t know. It might be cool either way.”

“We can if you want.”

Neil nods acceptance and lets Andrew pull him into a gift shop. Neil figures he must be looking for crystal figurines for Betsy so Neil goes his own way to pick out some things for the Foxes. Andrew catches up with him once he’s found what he’s looking for and pokes his head around Neil’s arm, cheek pressed close.

“Those aren’t very interesting,” he says, looking at the keychain, t-shirts, and shot glasses bundled in Neil’s arms.

“It’s the thought,” Neil says with an only slightly annoyed sigh. He almost takes a dig at Betsy’s collection, but thinks better of it.

Andrew skims his fingers over a rack of shirts as they pass by and thoughtlessly pulls one from its hanger so that it drops to the floor. Andrew pays despite Neil’s arguments and Andrew answers with a smack of his lips against Neil’s cheek.

After dinner and some aimless walking, they agree to save the ghost tour for tomorrow night. They’ll hit the bars afterwards and Saturday night will be more of the same. Neil’s only a little concerned about being a year underage, but he’ll worry about it when he needs to. Tonight, they kick back at the hotel without itinerary.

Neil strips off his arm bands in the comfort of their room and watches from inside as Andrew smokes on the balcony. As quietly as he can, Neil reaches into his bag and digs through it for his camera, snaps a photo for his own selfish purposes. Neil comes up to lean against the doorway and Andrew motions for him to come closer with a nod and tilt of his head. 

“I saw the flash,” Andrew tells Neil.

“It was a nice photo op.”

“I’m sure it was.”

Neil carefully tucks himself against Andrew’s back and reaches around him to steal his cigarette, takes a pull before he gives it back.

“I hate it when you do that.”

“No you don’t.”

Neil chances a kiss on Andrew’s shoulder and the slight tension that showed just seconds ago relaxes away. Neil presses a little closer and Andrew interlocks their fingers against the balcony railing, uses his free hand to take another drag of smoke. Neil plants another kiss on Andrew, this time on his neck, and he smiles to himself when Andrew visibly gives in, sinks against Neil’s chest a little.

Neil follows the curve of Andrew’s body with his own when he leans forward against the railing. Neil rests his chin on Andrew’s shoulder so that their cheeks press together and they stare out in silence as the sounds of the night grow louder with every passing minute. It’s warm and sticky outside, but Neil doesn’t attempt to break contact till Andrew does, and they return to the room in silence when it gets dark out. Neil’s hair sticks to his forehead a little and he wipes his hand across, pulls at his shirt to fan himself.

“You feel like going for a swim?”

“The pool might be closed.”

“That’s going to stop you?”

“Probably not,” Andrew admits with a shrug. “Later,” he says then.

Neil nods his agreement. Andrew dozes off in bed for a while so Neil leaves him to check the pool out, scope out any obstacles they might come across. It isn’t very big, but it’s bright blue water and calm emptiness are already appealing to Neil in the heavy, wet heat of Louisiana. When he gets back upstairs, Andrew is awake and there’s a glint in his eye and tension in his shoulders Neil doesn’t quite like.

“Hey.”

“Don’t leave like that again.”

“I just went downstairs to-”

“No. Just tell me first.”

Neil flattens his back against the door to close it and nods. 

“I didn’t want to wake you,” Neil says, earning an annoyed and bored look from Andrew. “I’m not using it as an excuse, I’m just telling you.”

Apparently that’s explanation enough because Andrew drops it and settles back on the bed. Neil flips through the TV to kill some time and ends up dozing off himself, only lightly for a short while. The two of them brought back leftovers from the restaurant they sat at for dinner so Neil heats his to snack on. Southern food is no joke and Neil already had an idea of this, but New Orleans doesn’t play around.

Just before one in the morning, Andrew rolls out of bed and nods towards the door. Before Neil can change, Andrew pulls at his t-shirt and leads him out of the room. Andrew gets them quietly through the lobby and Neil leads the way to the pool. The door itself isn’t locked, but the pool gate is and though they’re sure there are cameras out here, that doesn’t stop them.

Neil slides a lock pick out of his pocket and Andrew gets to work. It hardly takes a minute and Neil looks around to make sure they’re still alone. Neil strips down to a t-shirt and his boxers and strides down the steps into the water, removes his shirt only when he can easily dip down underneath. He throws it onto a nearby chair and Andrew looks from Neil to the pile of clothes. Neil hesitates a moment before he slips the black bands off his arms. He rolls them up and tosses them over and Andrew catches them, gives Neil a look he can’t read.

Neil watches in silence as Andrew strips down to join him, leaves nothing but his own armbands and his underwear. Instead of a quiet entrance like Neil, he jumps into the water from the deep end and comes up shaking his hair out like a dog.

“Subtle,” Neil calls from the other end.

“Should I have tried to be? Next time!”

Neil shakes his head and dips himself completely underneath. When he comes up for air, he sighs deeply, happy to be cooled off and happier to see that Andrew swam closer and is now leaning against the pool’s edge. Neil catches Andrew’s eyes on him, but Andrew doesn’t move a muscle. Neil’s content to play this game so he takes up post at the opposite end, kicks around and ducks his head down every so often to keep himself cool. The water around Andrew is still and his stare is even, but he hasn’t looked away from Neil for a second.

Neil stares back openly, doesn’t try to hide the fact he’s enjoying the view. Andrew’s hair hangs over his forehead a little, frames his eyes almost perfectly. Andrew’s arms extend along the tile of the pool deck and his index finger taps softly against the surface like he’s counting something.

Neil is the first to give in and he swims halfway across the small pool. Andrew shakes his head when Neil pauses so Neil takes a questioning stroke to move forward and then Andrew nods. Neil chews his lip nervously and excitedly as he closes the space between them and Andrew stills when Neil settles right up against him.

“You win.”

“Can’t say I’m surprised.”

Neil twists careful fingers into Andrew’s hair and kisses him like he needs Andrew’s mouth on his to breathe. Andrew keeps his arms spread behind him and Neil, both amused and annoyed by the lack of touch, breaks their kiss to mouth at Andrew’s neck. Andrew hisses when Neil dips his tongue out and lets his head loll back a little, turns into the touch instinctively when Neil pokes his tongue out again.

“You shouldn’t ingest chlorine, you know,” Andrew manages, though the gravel in his voice is obvious.

“Ask me if I care.”

“You don’t.”

Neil answers with a nod against Andrew’s neck and keeps kissing, hoping to leave a mark. Andrew finally wraps an arm around Neil when Neil finds his weak spot and bites down softly, opens his mouth and slowly drags it closed. Neil picks his head up and kisses Andrew on the mouth and Andrew tilts his head back, gives into Neil’s mouth. Neil hooks his leg around Andrew and Andrew grabs at Neil’s hips, hikes Neil up against him and keeps him in place. Neil steadies himself with a hand on the edge of the pool and then fixes both hands on Andrew’s neck.

“What if we get caught?”

“I don’t care.”

Neil strokes his thumb over Andrew’s cheek, rubs over his lip and Andrew curls into the touch, just barely puckers his lips against the tip of Neil’s finger.

“Yes or no?” Andrew asks, pulling Neil closer somehow.

When Neil nods, his lips catch on Andrew’s. “Yes,” he says, slightly muffled by Andrew’s mouth so close.

Andrew’s hands rub over the small of Neil’s back, move a little higher, and their mouths meet and move in perfect synchrony. Neil becomes very aware of his exposed skin when Andrew grabs at his hip, lines his fingers up alongside one of Neil’s many scars. Neil’s breath hitches, but he doesn’t stop Andrew, reminds himself that Andrew’s touch will only ever be the exact opposite of the touches that marked him permanently.

Andrew’s hands roam though he manages to keep Neil right where he wants him. Neil tilts his head back when guided to do so and Andrew kisses the hollow of his neck, brushes his lips against Neil’s shoulder.

“What about not ingesting the chlorine?”

“Shut up.”

Neil huffs and Andrew kisses the sound from his mouth. The clang of a door startles them apart and while Neil rushes in a hurry to get away from whatever trouble is inevitably seconds away, Andrew tilts his head back and sighs, frustrated that their little adventure is being interrupted. When it turns out to be nothing, Neil returns to the edge of the pool and lies flat on his stomach so he’s level with Andrew.

“We should go to our room just in case.”

“I was enjoying myself plenty right here.”

“I’m aware,” Neil says.

Neil pushes himself up and extends his hand. He goes to pull when Andrew fits their hands together, but he should know Andrew better, shouldn’t he? Neil comes up from under the surface of the water seconds later with an unamused, dead stare, shakes the water from his hair and scrubs a hand over his face.

“I know you’re the size of a child, but that doesn’t mean you need to act like one.”

Andrew’s eyes narrow, but the purse of his lips and the vague hint of a smile let Neil know Andrew’s aware he’s only joking.

“You and your attitude problem,” Andrew says, meanwhile pulling Neil back into his original place. “I’m convinced you exist just to instigate problems.”

“You know how to shut me up,” Neil says, shrugging one of his shoulders.

“Shame it only works half the time.”

Neil rests his hands on Andrew’s neck again and grinds his hips forward only slightly to settle himself. “Give it a shot.”

Andrew obliges and Neil kisses down his chin, his jaw, finds his neck again. By the time they climb out of the pool, their finger and toes are pruned and their lips are bitten pink and tinged purple from the cool temperature of the water. They forgot towels and the bin with spares is empty so they slip their shirts on wet bodies and Neil only hopes the trail of wet footprints dries before someone notices.

~

The haunted tour ended up being cooler than Neil expected. He thinks Andrew liked it too, though he isn’t entirely sure how much. They only visited a couple of bars afterwards and saved the rest for tonight. Neil tries his best to dress decently and feels like he failed under Andrew’s scrutinizing stare and unsurprisingly handsome appearance.

“I can change.”

“No.”

Neil’s eyebrows raise. He must like it then. Andrew pulls a bottle of his favorite whiskey from his bag and Neil watches as he fills the cap and downs it. He refills it and passes it to Neil.

At Neil’s hesitation, Andrew says, “You’re underage, babe.”

He doesn’t say it like it’s a pet name. If anything, it drips with condescension and borderline irritation, but Neil still freezes. “I’ll do it if you call me babe again.”

“Then pass it back.”

Neil glares at Andrew and takes the small shot. Andrew takes a swig from the bottle and passes that to Neil, too. He’s a little buzzed by the time they leave the hotel and Andrew slips an arm around his waist when they get to the first bar, slides his ID out of his wallet. Luckily, the security barely gives it a second look and nods at them both to head in. The loud music and dim lights throw Neil off a little at first, but Andrew gets them a couple of shots and keeps Neil tucked against him so his nerves are eased quickly.

Despite the music and huge bar, the place isn’t super crowded. They ditch after a short while and find the party in the streets. It’s like every night is Mardi Gras just on a smaller scale. They stop in a couple of places, kiss in public with no regard at all, and Andrew even gives the ok to a couple of photos. When Neil feels himself getting a little unsteady, he rests his arm over Andrew’s shoulder and Andrew links their fingers together. Maybe it’s the alcohol, but the small gesture, the warmth of them being like this in the middle of the French Quarter, not a care in the world makes Neil’s stomach feel funny.

He swallows back the odd feeling that makes his throat ache and stomach burn, and settles for resting his cheek against Andrew’s head for a moment as they walk. The sun will be up in just a couple of hours, so they head back, only slightly sobered up.

“I like it here,” Andrew says on their way back to the room.

“Me, too.”

“Let’s come back.”

“Another trip?”

“Yeah.”

Neil nods and rests his chin on Andrew’s shoulder from where he walks behind him, arms looped loosely around Andrew’s waist.

“Ok.”

Neil hardly has the energy to change when they get back to the room. He promises to shower in the morning and kicks his shoes off, falls into bed with a light thud. Like they tend to, Andrew and Neil fall asleep apart and wake up touching somehow, half on top of each other and sprawled out haphazardly. Neil awakens with a groan, limbs heavy and eyes refusing to open.

“Do we really have to leave today?” Neil says, voice thick and raspy with sleep.

“We will come back one day,” Andrew reminds him.

Neil finally peels his eyes open and sees that Andrew still hasn’t. He lets his eyes fall shut again, hoping the slight upturn of his lips remains unnoticed.

“We still have almost two hours.”

At that, Andrew falls silent. Neil can tell from Andrew’s breath that he’s already sound asleep again. Neil scratches softly through Andrew’s hair till he falls into a light sleep that doesn’t last long. He moves carefully, but even then Andrew wakes up from the movement. After they shower and gather their things, Andrew leads the way to the front desk. Neil leans tiredly against him and Andrew doesn’t seem to mind, so Neil stays put while Andrew checks them out. 

“You’re all set. We’ll see you next time,” the attendant says and Andrew nods.

Neil grabs his set of keys before Andrew can and rushes to the driver’s side.

“I can drive,” Andrew argues.

“You’ve done all the driving so far. I got it.”

“Neil.”

“Andrew.”

Neil slides into the driver’s seat without another word and Andrew glares at him from the passenger seat. It doesn’t last long and when they hit the road, Andrew seems to relax some. It’s a short drive compared to the next couple of legs they’ll be doing and goes by quick enough. They have nothing particular planned for Houston and only plan to spend a weekend, then they’ll hit Austin. After that it’s on to the next city.

Neil doesn’t care so much about what they do. His life was moving from place to place like this, but never by choice. There was no stopping just because or down time of any kind and that’s all he wants from this, really. He wants open road with nothing scary or horrible waiting for him at the end, he wants Andrew in hotel beds and sneaking into pools, he wants quiet days and endless nights and Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.

They check in to their bed and breakfast and grab a printed list of dinner spots, and Neil flops stomach first onto their bed to flip through it as soon as they get to the bedroom. He gives no sign of attention when Andrew climbs on top of him, keeps his stare trained on the list of local restaurants. Andrew noses at the back of Neil’s neck and Neil cracks a smile, but keeps his head tilted down.

Andrew’s “Yes or no?” is a tangible breath that sends goosebumps prickling over Neil’s skin and a shiver down his spine. 

“Yes.”

Andrew ghosts a kiss on the back of Neil’s neck and then dips forward to get closer to Neil’s front. Neil tilts his head obligingly and disregards the pamphlet, shifts underneath Andrew so he’s flat on his back.

Neil sighs into their kiss and Andrew’s hands roam underneath Neil’s shirt. If Texas is as boring as it seems, Neil would be content to just spend the weekend doing this. When they break apart, Neil squints to admire his view. The light of golden hour near its end shines through the windows and Neil feels breathless looking at Andrew. Neil gently pushes Andrew off and reaches around for his bag, searches through it without looking away from Andrew.

“Can I take a picture of you?”

Andrew’s gaze is flat and uninterested, but he shrugs like he doesn’t care either way.

Neil finally feels the camera underneath his fingers and pulls at it. He pulls Andrew back down onto him and Andrew stares at him with an eyebrow cocked.

“This is what you want to take a picture of?”

“The lighting is nice,” Neil says, cheeks warm.

Andrew leans down to kiss Neil and the heat in his cheeks dissipates a bit. When Andrew sits up, Neil snaps the photo. It might come out a little blurry, but Neil knows from his view that it won’t matter. Those hazel eyes are unmistakable and that golden light shining into them makes something beautiful even more so. Andrew leans away with his legs still separated on either side of Neil and Neil takes another picture. Andrew’s gaze flickers to Neil for a moment and Neil pushes the camera aside for now, crosses his arms behind his head to watch Andrew. 

“You’re staring,” Andrew says.

“You’re making me wait.”

“You’re the one who wanted a picture.”

“Yeah and I’m done now, so let’s get on with it.”

“That kind of impatience will only make you wait longer.”

Neil shakes his head, but falls silent. He sighs pleasurably when Andrew bends down to kiss his chest and works his way up, sweet and slow. When their mouths meet again, Neil lifts off the bed to get closer, eager to have no space between them. They forget about dinner, too caught up with each other, and end up driving to a convenience store down the street for microwaveables and snacks, but they don’t let that distract them for too long, either.

~

The weekend is laid back and most of their down time is spent tangled up with each other. Neil’s excited to get out of Texas and he thinks Andrew is, too, considering how early he wakes up on check out day. Neil pulls at Andrew to keep him under the covers and Andrew doesn’t put up a fight. Andrew settles in beside Neil and Neil lifts his head and drops it against Andrew’s chest, inhales the smell of his soap. Andrew lazily drags his fingers up and down Neil’s spine and Neil looks up at Andrew from where he rests.

“Should we leave early today?”

“The sooner we leave, the sooner we get there.”

Neil pushes himself up with a moan and Andrew follows him out of bed. Neil will miss the coziness of their B&B, but a cabin in Colorado awaits and Neil’s ready to get there. Allison helped pick it out and offered to pay for a higher end stay, but Neil turned it down, more than happy with what he decided on for himself and Andrew. Before they hit the road, Neil reorganizes the back of the Maserati to make sure the blankets and snacks are easier to reach. 

Andrew agrees to let Neil drive again so he does till it gets too hard to draw the distinction between normal lights and brake lights, till he has to blink too hard and open his eyes too wide. By that time, the sun’s low, but still bright and Andrew’s napped on and off and is wide awake now, drumming his fingers along to the music playing on the car stereo. 

“I think I want to switch soon.”

Andrew spares a glance at Neil. Neil keeps going for as long as he can and feels like he might actually fall asleep when they hit traffic that brings the car to a near standstill. Neil pulls off at a rest exit figuring they can stretch and get some food and before Andrew gets into the car to take over, he leans against the driver’s side door for a smoke. Neil watches from the other side and then crosses over, stops in front of Andrew. Before Neil can steal it from him, Andrew passes Neil the cigarette and Neil flashes a satisfied smile and takes a drag.

“I’m having fun so far. I really liked New Orleans.”

“Good.”

“Did you?”

Andrew looks at Neil over his sunglasses and Neil cocks an eyebrow at him, waits for an answer.

“Did you think I didn’t?”

“I’m just asking.”

“Everything is more interesting to me when you’re around. So yes, I liked it.”

Neil’s taken aback by Andrew’s words and it’s obvious in the way his mouth falls open wordlessly. Neil stares for a second and then gets closer, leans in when Andrew hooks an arm around his waist and pulls him closer.

“Yes or no?”

“Yes,” Neil says, searching Andrew’s eyes, but for what he isn’t quite sure.

Andrew kisses Neil on the mouth sweetly and Neil picks up on the tastes of cigarettes and the sour strawberry candy Andrew picked up from the small convenience store in the rest stop. Neil is the first to pull away, but he’s reluctant to do so and misses Andrew as soon as they’re no longer touching.

“Let’s go,” Andrew says as he ducks into the car.

Neil slides into the passenger seat and digs his blanket out from the back of the car. Instead of letting himself fall asleep right away, he stays up to talk with Andrew. Neil carefully brings up California and tells Andrew he’s nervous. Andrew takes the focus off that and asks about Neil’s time in Germany instead and that turns into Neil asking about Andrew’s high school German class. It helps the time go by and when yawns start to interrupt Neil’s sentences more often than not, Andrew glances over at him and cards through his hair, lets his hand linger for a second.

“Go to sleep.”

Neil ignores him, but he does reach for Andrew’s hand before he can completely pull away. Neil twines their fingers together, eyes their matching arm bands. He almost skims his fingers over Andrew’s forearm, but thinks better of it, just gives his hand a gentle squeeze.

The glow of streetlights is too calming against the darkening sky after a while and Neil starts to drift. Andrew pulls over at another rest stop just a couple of hours before their destination and Neil wakes up to Andrew’s hand on his shoulder.

“I’m good,” Neil mumbles, shifting to get comfortable again.

Andrew comes back quickly and Neil opens his eyes at the sound of the door opening.

“Are we close?”

“Should be there before midnight.”

Neil nods and sits up to stretch, reaches to the back of the car for a water. “Do you want me to take over?”

“I can do it.”

Like Andrew said, they arrive just before midnight. Check in takes just a few minutes and they drive to their appointed cabin just a short ways down the road from the main building. Neil unlocks the door with their designated key and hovers in the doorway to admire the place once he’s flipped the lights on.

“Wow.”

He hears Andrew’s footsteps behind him and looks sideways at him when he rests his chin on Neil’s shoulder. Neil stares wondrously, marvels at how even the most insignificant touch can make his heart beat too fast and stop the world spinning before he turns his attention back to the cabin. It’s small, but perfect for two. It’s a loft set up with a wooden staircase that leads up to the bed and there’s a fireplace downstairs with wood stacked next to it, a sectional positioned around it.

Neil moves so Andrew can get in, but Andrew stays put, slings an arm around Neil’s waist. They go in together after a minute or so and Neil immediately heads up the short staircase while Andrew checks out the bathroom. Neil drops his bags and lets himself be pulled into Andrew’s arms when he comes up the stairs, kisses back when Andrew presses his lips to Neil’s.

“What’s the plan for tomorrow?”

“Nothing,” Neil answers blissfully. “Tomorrow we recover from the drive. Next day is hiking, day after that is another off day. I thought maybe we could go to the zoo and then the next day is for the falls.” 

Andrew nods and leans in for another kiss. Neil drapes his arm over Andrew’s neck, keeps his free hand on Andrew’s cheek, and they stumble to the bed till the backs of Neil’s legs hit the side of it. He falls back and Andrew climbs on top of him, kisses from Neil’s mouth down to his stomach. As always, Andrew looks passed the angry lines on Neil’s skin, pokes his tongue out to follow the dips of Neil’s muscles, kisses as much as he pleases.

Neil waits patiently for Andrew’s mouth to touch his again and when he feels Andrew’s breath on his lips, he curls forward, brushes his open mouth over Andrew’s. Andrew catches Neil’s lower lip for a second before Neil flattens again and Andrew follows him down, refuses to allow a disconnect even for a second.

Neil notices when Andrew’s movements slow down and his weight sinks down harder onto Neil.

“Hey,” he calls when he pulls away, and Andrew stops to rest his head against Neil’s. “Tired?”

“Not tired enough to stop. Are you?”

“I slept too much in the car,” Neil tells him. “I’ll probably be up for a while.”

Andrew kisses Neil again and Neil opens his eyes slowly when Andrew pulls away, threads his fingers into Andrew’s hair.

“You don’t have to stay up. Get some sleep.”

“I don’t have to do anything,” Andrew reminds Neil.

Neil’s expression tells Andrew he’s very aware of that. Neil climbs out of bed to change and Andrew follows suit, though Neil can feel Andrew’s eyes on him when he’s changing. Neil is still not used to having someone look at him the way Andrew does. There’s a protective glare in his eyes, acceptance, and beneath it all though it shows above in moments like this, there’s desire. Neil feels heat creep into his cheeks when Andrew’s gaze sweeps over him and a craving for physical contact builds in Neil’s chest, makes his heart beat a little harder.

Andrew doesn’t take his eyes off Neil and Neil chews his lip, musses up his hair, and waits impatiently for Andrew to get closer. When he doesn’t, Neil strides passed him without a second glance, but Andrew catches Neil’s hand and pulls him back. Neil lets Andrew shove him onto the bed and he bends his knee up, rubs his bent leg against the side of Andrew’s when Andrew straddles him. Andrew dips away and Neil watches curiously as he digs through Neil’s bag.

“Can I help you?”

Andrew doesn’t answer and pulls out the camera just a few seconds later. Neil responds by throwing his arm across his forehead in a lousy attempt at covering his face, but other than that he doesn’t move. He hears the click and looks up just after, shakes his head at Andrew.

“Just for me.”

Neil nods understanding and feels heat creep into his cheeks again. He doesn’t know what Andrew sees in him and he’s not sure he ever will. Neil wonders if Andrew ever feels the same way, wonders what Neil sees. Before he can get too caught up worrying that Andrew doesn’t know just how strongly Neil feels what he feels for him, he pulls Andrew down for a kiss, one that’s slow and lazy and gives Neil the same intensity he felt those first few times Andrew’s kisses flipped Neil’s world upside down.

Neil sits up to get closer and Andrew steadies himself in Neil’s lap, anchors himself down with his thighs spread apart and his hands on Neil’s shoulders. Neil wraps his arms around Andrew and kisses silent thank yous against his neck. One for trusting Neil, another for accepting him, one more for letting him stay.

From time to time, Andrew maps out where Neil is allowed to touch. It works as both a reminder for Neil and a self indulgent treat for Andrew. Andrew does so now, grabs Neil’s hands and leads the way. Neil doesn’t take his eyes off Andrew’s the entire time and Andrew’s gaze is unreadable, but Neil swears something glints in his eyes. Neil is unsurprised when Andrew stops at his hips. Below the waist is off limits. Andrew has tried before and the determined look that crosses his features tells Neil he plans to try again.

“Don’t push yourself for me.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

Neil shakes his head, but doesn’t pull his hand away when Andrew guides him down to his thigh. Andrew leans forward then and Neil doesn’t move his hand an inch, just closes the space between them and uses his free hand to cup the side of Andrew’s neck. 

“Ok?”

“I think so.”

Neil tests his touch, pushes his hand up, closer to familiar territory and then back down.

“Yes or no?”

“Yes,” Andrew says, and Neil picks up on the hesitance in his voice.

“Andrew, there’s no rush.”

Andrew stares blankly at Neil and doesn’t say anything. Neil tries to move his hand, but Andrew catches it before he does and interlocks their fingers.

“Why is it so easy for you to trust?”

“It isn’t,” Neil corrects. “It’s easy to trust _you_.”

Andrew gaze drifts from Neil’s eyes to their locked hands, the small bit of space between them.

“Why?” Andrew repeats, though his voice is different now. Softer. 

“You’d never hurt me.”

“Don’t sound so confident.”

“You wouldn’t.”

Andrew looks back to Neil and Neil lines their fingertips up, measures his hand against Andrew’s.

“We both have no reason to trust anyone. All the world has shown us is that people shouldn’t be trusted, they can’t be. I lied to you for my own reasons, but that doesn’t change the fact that I lied,” Neil shrugs. “People like us don’t trust easily if we do at all, but I trust you because you never hid your truth. I don’t expect you to trust me the same way just because of this,” Neil says with a gesture back and forth of their twined hands.

Andrew slides his fingers up and down between Neil’s and locks them back in. Neil takes his silence for understanding and guides Andrew to rest his arm over his shoulder.

“Can I kiss you?”

Andrew answers by moving first and Neil pulls Andrew closer. Neil slides his hand underneath Andrew’s shirt and Andrew threads his fingers into Neil’s hair, pulls gently to bend Neil’s head back and expose his neck. Neil’s mouth hangs open when Andrew kisses him there, dips his tongue out to wet Neil’s skin. It takes them a while to separate and Neil’s reluctant to do so, longs to keep Andrew close for as long as he can.

Andrew replaces his shirt with an oversized, stretched out old thing to sleep. He drowns in the fabric and the sleeves practically fall down passed his elbows, and Neil admires him from in bed. Andrew holds his gaze and Neil’s expression turns into a confused frown when Andrew doesn’t join him fast enough. Neil opens his mouth to speak, but stops himself when Andrew peels off one of his arm bands and then the other. Neil averts his eyes, but it’s hard to avoid Andrew’s stare when he sits down beside Neil. Neil wants to argue it, fears that Andrew is stretching too far out of his comfort zone, but then Andrew lies down next to him and slides his hand underneath Neil’s shirt, rests his arm over Neil’s side.

Warm skin on skin isn’t something they’ve experienced that often and Neil doesn’t miss the significance. Neil reaches over to shut the light next to the bed and feels Andrew’s breath against his shoulder. He listens to it carefully, picks up on when it slows down, notes that Andrew’s weight feels a little heavier against him.

Neil whispers so softly, he barely hears it himself. “Andrew?”

When he doesn’t get a response, he swallows hard and shuts his eyes. “You can trust me,” Neil says, as quietly as he breathed Andrew’s name. “Always.”

~

The two of them sleep in late the next day and the sun is shining too bright when Neil wakes up. He squints against it and lifts his head to find Andrew already awake, but barely. Neil can tell from the slight puffiness of Andrew’ eyes and messed up hair sticking out in every direction that he can’t be too far behind.

Neil notices that Andrew hasn’t put his arm bands back on and he looks into Andrew’s eyes when he sits up to stretch.

“What time is it?”

“About noon.”

Neil flops down and his head falls into Andrew’s lap. He looks up and blinks at Andrew, pokes his chin.

“Is this ok?”

Andrew glances down and gives a single nod. Neil lets his eyes flutter closed when Andrew combs through his hair, sighs at how good it feels. When Neil opens his eyes again, Andrew is staring down at him.

“We should stock up on some food.”

“Later.”

“I’m not going to do this all day,” Andrew says pointedly, though he doesn’t stop stroking. 

Neil closes his eyes again. “Ten minutes,” he promises.

Andrew doesn’t stop after ten minutes and Neil doesn’t move for another twenty. He kisses Andrew’s cheek before he hops out of bed and they freshen up and get dressed side by side. Neil sneaks a glance at Andrew as he tugs his bands into place and Neil follows suit. Neil drives them to a local supermarket for some snacks and easy meals and Andrew fills their cart with junk just minutes into the trip.

When Andrew drops two tubs of ice cream into the cart, Neil tells him, “We aren’t moving in,” sounding apologetic.

Andrew flicks an even look at Neil and he shakes his head, hopes his expression isn’t overly affectionate. He watches Andrew walk up the aisle and not so subtly looks away when Andrew turns around.

“Staring, Josten.”

“Not trying to.”

“Can’t help it?” Andrew guesses.

Neil just rolls his eyes. He feels Andrew’s eyes on him still and he nods at him.

“Can’t say shit about it if you’re doing it to.”

“I can say whatever I want.”

Neil shrugs acceptance and follows Andrew down another aisle. They leave with enough to last the week, maybe more, and break in the cabin’s kitchen with a late lunch. They explore the resort grounds afterwards and Andrew leads the way, brings them to a stop near the lake on the resort property. It’s cooler by the water, especially since they’re near the mountains, but not by much. The heat of summer is still strong and the sun shines on their faces, and Neil closes his eyes against the bright glow, lets it warm his cheeks.

Andrew sneaks up behind him and wraps his arms around Neil’s waist, rests his chin on Neil’s shoulder. Despite the warmth, Neil feels a chill run through him. Andrew must notice because he tightens his arms and kisses Neil softly right below his ear. They make their way along the lakeshore in no hurry and it’s nearly dark by the time they head back to the cabin.

After dinner and showers, Neil is too awake to relax. He finds Andrew eating ice cream out of the tub in the kitchen and leans with his hip against the wall to watch while he towels at his hair.

“Save some for the rest of us.”

“If I remember correctly, your favorite flavor is in there, too,” Andrew says, using his spoon to point at the freezer.

Neil narrows his eyes and lets his towel hang around his neck.

“So what? You’re not going to share if I want some of yours?”

“No, so fuck off.”

Neil stands in between Andrew’s legs and Andrew quickly shifts the ice cream away. When he takes another spoonful, Neil grabs Andrew’s hand over the handle and brings the spoon to his mouth. He keeps his eyes on Andrew’s when he licks it off, curls his tongue over his lip when he feels some excess on his mouth. Before Neil can walk away, Andrew pushes his snack aside and pulls Neil close using the ends of the towel.

“I’ve always known you’re deeply disturbed up here,” Andrew says, tapping gentle fingers against Neil’s temple. “But that was incredibly stupid even for you.”

“What are you going to do about it?”

Andrew pulls Neil closer with a firm hand on the back of his neck, spreads his fingers and speaks against Neil’s mouth.

“I don’t tell, I show.”

Neil swallows nervously and Andrew closes the gap, seals Neil’s mouth with a kiss. Neil hisses when Andrew bites down on his lip and pulls. Andrew slides off the counter and links his hand with Neil’s to pull him upstairs and Neil’s heart is racing, but he tries not to let on to his excitement too much. Andrew guides Neil to sit on the bed and climbs onto his lap and the second Neil’s fingers twitch to touch Andrew, he shakes his head and the ghost of a smile plays on his lips.

“No hands.”

Neil should have known that. He throws his head back with a groan and Andrew tilts his chin down. Neil shakes his head and keeps his hands flat against the mattress behind him to prop himself up.

“I hate you sometimes.”

“No you don’t,” Andrew says.

They kiss again and Neil’s bones feel like jelly when they break apart much too soon. Andrew raises his eyebrows in question and Neil blinks slowly, already missing Andrew’s lips.

“You’re right, I don’t,” Neil admits in a rush.

To Neil’s instant relief, Andrew kisses him again. His fingers curl into the blankets and he aches to touch Andrew, but he follows the rules of this little game with everything he’s got. Andrew tilts his head away to kiss Neil’s neck, bite and suck till Neil’s skin is purplish red, and Neil’s stomach does loops inside him the entire time. Andrew moves purposely slow and Neil can hardly take it. He feels his face flush with heat when Andrew finds that sensitive spot below his ear and a whine leaves his lips. Andrew freezes and that doesn’t help the heat in Neil’s cheeks, but Andrew doesn’t say anything or lift the rules. Neil’s fingers clench tighter into the sheets and Andrew’s name falls from his lips involuntarily. Andrew clutches Neil’s chin in between his fingers, forces Neil to look into his eyes. 

“Say it again.”

Neil’s eyebrows raise in surprise, but he schools his expression back into something even and unaffected. He lies back and Andrew shifts against him, rests his hands on either side of Neil’s head. His stare flickers up to Neil’s hands where they lie palm up against the bed, arms stretched over his head.

“Andrew,” Neil calls softly.

Neil stares into Andrew’s eyes and he sees when Andrew’s gaze flickers down to Neil’s lips and then up again. Neil rolls his hips upwards just enough for Andrew to feel it and Andrew keeps one arm propped against the bed to steady himself while he drags his opposite hand down Neil’s side and stops at his thigh. Neil keeps their gazes locked when Andrew hikes Neil’s thigh up against his side. Neil can’t decide what he sees in Andrew’s eyes, but he likes it even if it makes his heart beat too hard and forces him to almost look away.

It feels like days before Andrew’s mouth meets Neil’s again and Neil feels sparks from the tips of his toes to his forehead where Andrew’s hair brushes softly against his skin. Neil kisses back with his entire body and Andrew’s fingers dig into his flesh, as much a warning as it is an excuse to touch.

Andrew leans away to focus his attention elsewhere and Neil throws his head back against the mattress. He runs a frustrated hand through his hair and covers his face when another sound passes his lips, a needy whimper this time. Andrew’s gaze flickers up and Neil presses his hand into the bed, needs something to hold onto. Andrew slides up Neil’s body and rests his hands on either side of Neil’s head again, watches intently when Neil lifts his head to lean it closer to Andrew’s fingertips. Andrew seems to get the hint because he cups Neil’s cheek and Neil kisses Andrew’s thumb when it’s in reach. Andrew strokes Neil’s lower lip and his thighs tighten against Neil’s sides when he kisses again and lets his tongue dip out this time.

Andrew stretches his arms and finds Neil’s hands, twines their fingers together. Overwhelming relief washes over Neil and his body relaxes into the mattress with a deep sigh. Andrew squeezes Neil’s hands and kisses his temple, his cheek, his neck, wherever he feels fit. Anywhere but Neil’s lips.

“Andrew, kiss me.”

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

Andrew still has Neil pinned down and Neil looks at him now with pleading eyes. Andrew hovers just above Neil. When he speaks, his lips catch on Neil’s and Neil tilts his head up into the touch, needs to feel Andrew’s mouth again.

Andrew teases a kiss and Neil melts, presses his fingertips hard into the backs of Andrew’s hands. Andrew lets his lips catch Neil’s again and it lasts for an agonizingly short second. Neil frowns when Andrew pulls away, but his expression relaxes when he doesn’t go too far.

“I’ll trade a kiss for a truth,” Andrew says.

Neil’s eyebrows raise in curiosity and he nods at Andrew to continue.

“Does it bother you that this is about as far as we go?”

Neil looks puzzled.

“Well besides other stuff,” Andrew says with a not so subtle lick of his lips.

Neil gets it then and his jaw goes slack for a moment. He sits up a little and Andrew lets go of his hands so he can shift how he wants.

“Of course it doesn’t bother me.”

“And you won’t lie.”

“Never again. If I seem impatient, I mean-” Neil cuts off and runs his hand through his hair, a bit uncomfortable. He doesn’t know how to say without sounding stupid that kissing Andrew is his favorite thing and any impatience is for that and that only. “I’m not impatient that way,” he says after a beat of silence. “I like where we’re at.”

“It really doesn’t bother you,” Andrew replies, but it comes out more like a statement than a question.

“Not at all. I don’t get into this with you expecting anything more from it.”

Andrew must be pleased with that answer and done with this conversation because he finally kisses Neil. It’s slow and gentle and Neil nearly reaches up to hold Andrew’s cheek, but he digs his hand firmly into the mattress and clenches hard enough that his fingers ache. Andrew grinds closer and Neil sighs against his mouth. Andrew reaches around Neil and grabs his hand, guides Neil to wrap his arm loosely around Andrew’s waist. Neil tests his limits with his other hand and palms the side of Andrew’s neck. Andrew doesn’t push him away and Neil’s excitement just to touch Andrew again is dizzying. Andrew’s fingers knot into Neil’s hair and they kiss till their lips are tingly and puffy.

They slow down gradually, but Neil would stay awake all night for this. Andrew trails his lips from Neil’s mouth to his chest and settles there, tucks his head underneath Neil’s chin. Neil cherishes moments like this, where Andrew is at his softest. His growing trust weighs on Neil like his body does and Neil clings to both like they give him his life.

They fall asleep like that and Neil wakes up with Andrew still on top of him. His shirt is all rumpled and Andrew’s cheek is warm against his skin. Andrew’s leg is bent on top of Neil’s and his arms are stretched out, taking up more of the bed than someone of Andrew’s height normally should. Neil shifts slightly and the mattress creaks with the movement. Andrew wakes up from the disturbance and Neil apologizes, voice thick with sleep.

Andrew props himself up and Neil’s mouth curves into a frown. “Stay,” he says tiredly.

Andrew doesn’t argue, settles against Neil and shifts a few times till he’s comfortable. They laze their morning away before they go for their hike and Neil wouldn’t mind skipping it, but they could use some fresh air and time out of bed, Neil thinks.

The trail is long and tiring, and Neil stops somewhere in the middle of it to push his hair back with the same orange bandana he uses on the court. He snaps a couple of photos of the red rock formations, steals a shot of Andrew leaning against one of them. Neil shoves the camera into his bag and takes in the view without the lens. Andrew’s leaning tiredly against the side of an especially tall formation and he uses the hem of his shirt to wipe sweat from his forehead. Neil barely gets a peek at Andrew’s stomach and feels as hot as the sun when Andrew catches him staring, leads the way up the trail before Andrew can make a comment about it. Andrew pulls a water bottle out of Neil’s knapsack and holds it out to Neil when he’s done. Neil pours some over his face and chugs a bit, plops down onto the ground to take a rest.

Andrew folds beside Neil and rests his cheek on Neil’s shoulder. They sit in comfortable silence and Neil tilts his head back, shuts his eyes against the bright sun. Neil doesn’t open his eyes till he feels Andrew move and even then, he’s in no hurry. He thinks Andrew is going to lead them back down the trail, but he digs through the knapsack and pulls out sunscreen, smears some onto Neil’s cheeks.

“You’re going to burn,” Andrew says with a shrug when Neil looks at him with wondering eyes, rubs some lotion into his own face right after.

When Andrew shows no sign of trying to head back, Neil taps his thigh in invitation. Andrew shields the sun with his hand and fixes himself on the ground, keeps one leg bent up. Neil looks down at him and Andrew reaches up when he does, touches the tip of his finger to a strand of hair that hangs awkwardly away from the rest over Neil’s bandana. Andrew tucks it away and Neil feels knots tie in his stomach.

The sun is still high when they start to make their way back down the trail, but the breeze has picked up and keeps them cool. By the time they get to the cabin, they’re hungry and sticky with sweat. Neil rummages through their snacks and whips up something quick and easy for Andrew and himself. As soon as he’s done, he heads for the bathroom, strips as he walks in a hurry to be clean. Neil kicks the door closed and Andrew stops it with his foot, leans into the bathroom and cocks an eyebrow at Neil.

Neil turns the water on and grabs a towel from the folded pile by the sink. He lifts one up and holds it in the air when Andrew doesn’t leave right away. Andrew shakes his head at the offering and Neil drops the towel back into place. He turns around to face the mirror and before he can turn back to the shower, Andrew comes up behind him, a solid weight against Neil’s back. 

Andrew’s fingers dance along the waistband of Neil’s shorts and Neil swallows hard. The steam from the shower is suddenly suffocating and Neil leans his head down, eyes Andrew’s reflection in the mirror.

“Yes or no?” Andrew asks, hand against Neil’s hip.

Neil shifts sideways to kiss Andrew, a soft brush of lips first and then there’s tongue and breath and clenched hands.

“Yes.”

Andrew kisses Neil again and to Neil’s disappointment, breaks away quickly. He takes his time leaving a trail of kisses from Neil’s neck to his shoulder, doesn’t seem to care about the sweat and dirt. Neil’s fingers tighten where he braces himself against the countertop and Andrew presses closer, dips his tongue out against Neil’s neck. Andrew kisses and bites, slides his hand on top of Neil’s and laces their fingers together, keeps his other arm hooked around Neil’s waist.

Neil feels Andrew’s palm rub lower and keeps his eyes shut tight for a moment, tries to blink back the stars that spot his vision so soon. Andrew pulls at Neil’s shorts and they slide down his hips little by little. Andrew kisses Neil’s neck from behind him again and Neil feels like his bones are turning to liquid where he stands. Andrew pushes Neil’s shorts lower and wraps his hand around Neil, keeps his mouth at Neil’s neck. Neil opens his eyes and meets Andrew’s in the mirror, feels blood rush into his cheeks.

Andrew starts slow and Neil’s breath hitches in his throat, comes out ragged when Andrew twists his hand and opens his mouth against Neil’s neck. Neil’s fingers press harder into the counter and Andrew skims his thumb over Neil’s knuckles, moves his hand underneath Neil’s and lets Neil hold on as tightly as he pleases. Andrew’s name is the only word on Neil’s lips and he bites it back, swallows it and buries it in his chest. Neil’s eyes flutter closed and his jaw hangs open, and he’s unable to stop the sound that falls from his lips. His cheeks heat up and he tries to compose himself, but fails miserably. Andrew works him till another sound escapes, only to kiss the whine from Neil’s lips. Neil shifts sideways to keep kissing Andrew, lets his head tilt away when he feels like he’s about to fall. He squeezes Andrew’s hand and lets his head fall back near Andrew’s shoulder as he shudders through the peak, bites back any further noise harshly enough to break the skin on his lip.

Neil catches his breath with Andrew’s hand on his throat and Andrew guides him to turn his head a little. 

“You go first,” Andrew says with a nod at the shower. 

Neil just nods and loosens his grip on Andrew’s hand, too spent to bother with words. Andrew doesn’t rush him so Neil takes a minute to gather himself and shakes his hair out, sighs to release any leftover tension. Andrew leaves Neil with another kiss and lingers for a beat. Neil climbs into the shower and stands underneath the pouring water, rests his head on the wall, unable to stop thinking about Andrew’s eyes on his in the mirror, how the way Andrew looked at him made his heart flutter. Neil forces the thoughts away and finishes up, calls for Andrew to come in when he knocks on the door. Neil throws a towel at him and wraps one around his own waist, shakes his hair out and ignores how it sprays the walls and mirror.

Andrew watches silently and Neil stops right in front of him on his way out of the bathroom. He tilts his head and Andrew meets halfway for a kiss, hooks his finger into Neil’s towel. Neil half smiles against Andrew’s mouth and warns him, “That’s not exactly tied tight.”

“I know,” Andrew says smugly, but he only gives another light pull before he flattens his hand against Neil’s chest and pushes him out of the bathroom.

~

Neil and Andrew stay up later than necessary just kissing, ignoring the movie they left playing on the TV in favor of each other. Neil wakes up early despite it and doesn’t bother to try to sleep. Andrew shifts when Neil gets out of bed, but Neil leaves him be to make some breakfast.

Andrew peels an eye open when Neil goes back upstairs and Neil offers him a plate of food. Neil doesn’t think much of it, but Andrew gives him an odd look and sits up to take the plate.

“Breakfast in bed,” he observes.

“Sure,” Neil shrugs, stealing a piece of bacon from Andrew’s plate. “Do you feel like going to the zoo today?”

“I don’t think I like the idea of animals in cages.”

Neil didn’t expect that answer, but he understands just fine. “Ok,” he agrees. “Well we could go to the falls today. Or just hang out here, maybe go down to the lake.”

“You wanted to go to the zoo,” Andrew says.

“Yeah, I thought it would be cool, but I want to do everything with you.”

“Everything, huh?” Andrew taunts with a cocked eyebrow and uncharacteristically suggestive tone.

Neil shakes his head. “You know what I mean.”

“Let’s go to the lake,” Andrew suggests.

“Ok.”

“Later,” he adds.

Neil agrees and cleans up their breakfast, joins Andrew upstairs as soon as he’s done. Neil grabs the remote though he isn’t sure why. Nothing tends to hold his interest. He gets comfortable anyway, offers the remote to Andrew who turns it down with a tired groan in favor of keeping his arms crossed under his head to rest. Neil settles down beside him, too awake to rest.

“Andrew?”

“What.”

“Tell me if this is ok.”

Andrew doesn’t say anything when Neil shifts closer. Neil trails careful fingers over Andrew’s spine, slides his hands over Andrew’s shoulders over his shirt. He’s checking for tension, any sign of spiked nerves. Andrew’s shoulders are tight, but Neil’s hand in between the blades of them seem to relax him some.

“So?”

Andrew hums acceptance. Neil plays with Andrew’s hair, drags his fingers up and down Andrew’s back, scratches and rubs absentmindedly. Neil’s not sure what specifically wakes Andrew up a bit, but something does the trick or maybe he’s just had enough. He flips over onto his back, guides Neil to straddle him, and Neil has to steady himself with his hands clamped on the headboard.

“Hi,” he says quietly.

Andrew trails a finger over Neil’s arm where bands usually cover his skin. Neil can feel heat in his cheeks, but he ignores it, focuses on Andrew’s touch to keep him on steady ground. Andrew’s hand draws closer to Neil’s and he slides their fingers into place, guides Neil to lean in. Their mouths meet and Neil feels his entire body tighten, like Andrew is pulling broken pieces together and holding them in place just with a kiss.

Andrew kisses Neil softly and then with more intensity, deepens it and makes Neil’s grip on Andrew’s hand tighten. Neil lets Andrew tilt and move him how he pleases, follows the movements of Andrew’s mouth. When they pull apart just for Andrew to catch his breath, Neil dips away, tilts Andrew’s head to kiss his neck. Andrew sighs and Neil can feel his body tense and release when a chill runs down Andrew’s spine. Neil mouths at Andrew’s neck more, tucks himself closer when Andrew’s hands squeeze against Neil’s sides and settle on his hips.

“You’re insatiable,” Andrew says, trying to sound annoyed, but Neil doesn’t buy it.

“We can stop,” Neil says with his mouth against Andrew’s skin.

“You would just bother me again.”

“Is that what I’m doing? Bothering you?”

“Always,” Andrew says. “Your incessant need to kiss and be kissed is as annoying as it is pathetic.”

Neil just kisses Andrew’s neck again, nips at his flesh softly. Andrew shudders beneath him and Neil repeats the gesture a little higher up, just below Andrew’s ear.

“I’ll stop if you want me to,” Neil says into Andrew’s ear.

Andrew guides Neil to face him head on. Neil holds up against Andrew’s intense stare and Andrew looks like he wants to say something for a moment, but he doesn’t. He only opens his mouth against Neil’s. When Andrew finally breaks them apart, he keeps his eyes closed, head thrown back against the pillows. Neil takes a minute to just watch him, bemused by his tightly shut eyes and blushed cheeks. Neil leans down to brush a kiss over Andrew’s collarbone and Andrew visibly relaxes. He doesn’t open his eyes until Neil climbs off him and Neil digs through his bag with Andrew’s stare on him.

“Let’s just go down now,” Neil says. “Before it gets crowded.”

Andrew doesn’t bother to get out of bed until Neil returns to his side changed and ready to go. Neil has to shield his eyes from the sun as soon as they walk outside, but the heat feels nice on his cheeks. They find a spot close to the water’s edge and Neil lays out a towel for the two of them. Andrew sits down as soon as the towel flattens against the ground and stretches out, palms face down behind him, leg bent up and eyes squinted against the glare on the water. Neil watches for a moment, shifts his weight from one foot to the other while he rubs sunscreen onto his face. Andrew spares him an uncaring glance when he sits down in between Andrew’s legs, scoots backwards till he can feel Andrew’s chest against his back.

“Please, make yourself at home,” Andrew says sarcastically.

Neil does and Andrew lets him. He drapes his arm over Andrew’s leg and Andrew doesn’t bother to stop him or say anything. Neil closes his eyes against the bright sun and listens to the sound of the breeze, of other visitors playing in the lake and water splashing every so often.

Neil could do this forever. The thought is thrilling and scary and makes Neil’s stomach fill with butterflies, but he could. He wonders what Andrew thinks. If he’s enjoying this, if he doesn’t want it to end. He wonders if Andrew, underneath layers of void numbness, is as scared of their next stop as he is. California creeps closer every day and Neil doesn’t know how to feel anymore. He still carries the weight of losing his mother every day and wants to let it go, let _her_ go. He wants to bury Andrew’s pain with her, let it mix with the sand and wash away with the waves to never return.

Neil sees it then. His mother’s body, broken and unmoving. He sees the flames and digs his fingers into the towel beneath him to bring himself back. He catches his breath as subtly as he can, tilts his head back against Andrew’s chest. He counts along to Andrew’s heartbeat until he thinks his own matches up and relaxes his limbs, shakes out his hand. If Andrew notices Neil’s sudden panic, he doesn’t comment on it.

Neil pushes California to the back of his head, knowing full well it can’t be avoided for long but will be for now. He keeps his head against Andrew’s chest to follow his heartbeat, focuses on that for longer.

The pair don’t go inside till after sunset. Neil dozed off in Andrew’s lap for a little while and Neil figures Andrew was content to sit out for a while because he didn’t bother to wake him. Neil lingers at the water’s edge and dips his feet in, wades out till the water hits around his knees. He turns around and sees Andrew gathering their things so he turns back to help. They eat dinner at a table for two at a little local spot and settle in for the night as soon as they get back to their cabin.

Nicky texted Neil with a couple of movie suggestions for them if they “happen to have time in between breaking in the bed”. Andrew wished for a second that Nicky was with them just so he could punch him, but he got over it quickly enough and figured they might as well actually rent something to watch. Andrew purposely avoided Nicky’s suggestions, but Neil convinced him for the sake of not having to waste time picking something else. 

It’s still playing now and Neil can’t get himself to pay attention much. Andrew’s eyes are fixed on the screen, but Neil can hardly tell if he’s actually paying attention or if the action unfolding is just something to look at. He watches Andrew instead, notes the bit of chocolate near the corner of his mouth. His legs are bent in front of him and his socks are loose and slouchy around the ankles and he looks so warm in his oversized black sweatshirt. His eyelids are low and heavy, and his hair curls oddly in some spots, including around the shell of his ear. His earrings are the only thing he’s wearing that aren’t black and his cheeks are slightly reddened from another day in the sun, same as his legs. He looks comfortable, safe, he looks like home.

“Get that look off your face.”

Neil shakes head slightly to snap himself out of it.

“Was there a look?”

“Isn’t there always?”

Neil shrugs and slides closer to Andrew. He reaches for him and raises his eyebrows in question before he goes any further. Andrew nods and Neil brushes his fingers against Andrew’s mouth, lets his head tilt to the side.

“You have chocolate.”

Andrew dips his tongue out to clean the excess and Neil nods to let him know it’s gone. Andrew disregards his now empty tub of ice cream and sits up slightly, nods at Neil in a beckon to come closer. Neil obliges and Andrew flattens one leg to make room. Neil braces himself with a hand on the arm rest and Andrew’s fingers twist into Neil’s collar before he rests his palm on the back of Neil’s neck.

“Yes,” Neil says before Andrew even opens his mouth.

“Desperate.”

“Insatiable,” Neil corrects, eyebrows raised in challenge.

Andrew’s eyes narrow. He teases a kiss and Neil sinks forward, claws into the armrest to catch himself. Andrew drops his hand to Neil’s hip and gives a soft pull, an invitation to get as comfortable as he pleases. Even then Neil is careful, keeps himself steady over Andrew. Andrew kisses Neil when he leans in and Neil’s body relaxes a little though his heart beats hard and fast.

Andrew’s kiss is as slow as it is hard, like he’s telling Neil without words that desperate and insatiable fits for both of them, not just Neil. Neil loses himself in it and Andrew gets lost with him before he brings them both back. Neil hardly pays attention to how he ends up flat against the couch with Andrew on top of him. It’s a blur of kisses and gravelly, shakey words and all he can think about is Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. Neil feels Andrew’s hands on his stomach and his skin is hot, his hands are bordering on rough, and every press of his lips to Neil’s skin is wetter than the last.

Andrew’s fingertips press into Neil’s hips and when Neil sighs, a whine comes out with it. There’s something about hearing himself that way he doesn’t like. Maybe it’s the weakness, the need, the desperation as Andrew might say. And maybe it’s because Neil’s been trained to never be those things. He tries to push past it, let it have new meaning, let himself be. Andrew on the other hand seems to like it because he does that thing with his mouth again to coax the sound out of Neil. As quickly as Neil’s self analyzing thoughts pop into his head, they disappear. Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. Till the credits roll on that forgotten movie, till they are breathless with lips kissed red. Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. 

~

They didn’t even make it upstairs. Neil wakes up to find Andrew using his stomach as a pillow and his movement wakes Andrew who doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to move. When Andrew lifts his head, he’s left with a red spot on his cheek from where his skin met Neil’s and there is an identical one on Neil’s stomach.

The break in contact leaves Neil’s skin cool and he shivers at the sudden change. His gaze falls on Andrew, his still closed eyes and tired stretch. Neil bends his leg up and Andrew folds his arms over Neil’s knee, rests his chin atop his hands.

They go over their plans before they head out. Today is their last full day so they take advantage and waste no time getting ready for another hike that will end with a waterfall view.

A streak of sunny days is still going strong and though Neil and Andrew aren’t too affected by the physical activity, the heat is a lot to take paired with it. They pass other hikers on their way that let them know the view is totally worth the effort. Neil politely does the talking and Andrew leans on him while they pause, pulls their water bottles out of his backpack.

When they reach the final part of the hike, Andrew immediately plops onto the ground while Neil walks towards the falls. The sound of rushing water drowns out anything else and Neil feels small, insignificant which he knows he is. For a moment his fears, his worries, his pain all disappear, pulled down into the water below. He is nothing but this moment and it’s perfect and scary and if there weren’t rocks and prohibition against jumping or swimming, Neil would take the jump.

He turns to find Andrew and asks, “Are you gonna look?”

“Heights, dumbass.”

“Yeah, but you have to see this.”

“I don’t have to see anything. It’s water falling off rocks.”

Neil turns back to look out at them. Andrew might be right, but Neil still thinks it’s amazing. He sits for a second to rest his legs, leans back with his palms splayed flat on the ground. He’s sure he’s catching more than enough sun and his skin is sticky with sweat, but there’s a slight breeze and mist coming off the falls that cools him a little. Neil feels a hand on his shoulder and tilts his chin up though he keeps his eyes closed against the sun. Andrew squeezes tight where his hand rests and Neil’s sure he’s feeling scared so he lifts one hand to twine with Andrew’s and squeeze back.

Neil stands to go quickly enough and Andrew leads the way back through the trails. They reach their starting point in good time and head for the lake to cool off. Neil drops his backpack and peels off his shoes, wades in otherwise fully clothed. Andrew pulls his shirt over his head, but keeps the armbands in place and follows after him. Neil is sure his stare isn’t subtle, but he can’t be bothered to care. Andrew stops waist deep and sinks down for a second to wet his top half. Neil floats on his back not far from him and swims over after a moment. He feels Andrew watching him and he straightens, finds even footing beneath the surface.

“Want to head back? Get something to eat?”

Andrew answers with a nod and dips in once more, shakes his hair out when he comes up for air. Andrew directs Neil to go get cleaned up while he orders in some food for them. Andrew interrupts as soon as he’s done on the phone and Neil pokes his head out of the shower at the sound of the door. Andrew’s gaze rakes over what he can see and Neil waits a moment before he sticks his head back in.

“Is this silent intrusion your way of asking to join me? Because if it is, you should know what I’m going to say.”

Neil sticks his head out again and notes Andrew’s furrowed brows and pursed lips.

“Not yet. You being handicapped was just an exception.”

“Or an excuse,” Neil says, an attempt at a joke that he is well aware will do nothing. “I’m almost done,” Neil adds. “Should I wait?”

“Don’t waste your time.”

Neil finishes rinsing off and leaves the water on for Andrew. He dries off a bit and wraps a towel around his waist, stops in front of Andrew before he leaves.

“Waiting for you isn’t a waste of time.”

Andrew palms Neil’s cheek and shoves his face away.

“Go. You need to be at the door for our food.”

Neil answers that with a kiss on Andrew’s cheek and then he goes. 

~

Neil pulls his bands into place and carries his sweatshirt to put on in the car later, grabs his duffel and drops it in the back.

“We should stop somewhere overnight.”

“Like where?”

“Vegas is on the way.”

“Seems pointless if we are just there to sleep.”

“Then you tell me.”

“Vegas is fine,” Andrew answers. He lets his cigarette hang from his lips and crosses his arms over the driver’s side door. “Maybe we’ll have time for more than just sleeping.”

Neil raises his eyebrows, but accepts Andrew’s answer with silence. He slides into the passenger seat and flips through a booklet of CDs he found stuffed in the glove compartment.

“Do you have anything in here you want me to put in?”

Andrew glances down at it and gestures at Neil to flip through it. He taps one disc a few pages in and Neil slides it into the CD player. What comes through the speakers is loud and angry and sad, and Neil realizes that besides video games, he’s never really known of Andrew’s interests. He doesn’t care about movies, he claims to hate Exy- even though everyone knows by now that’s hardly the truth- and off the court, Neil can’t think of Andrew doing much else besides sleeping, kissing Neil, and occasionally doing homework. 

Neil figures if Andrew ever thought about it, Andrew would realize the same about him. People like them didn’t have time to build personal tastes or interests. People like them only did what they had to, didn’t allow or have time for anything else.

Neil catches Andrew nodding along to the music and chews his lip, watches for a moment. Andrew notices Neil staring and their eyes meet for just a second. Andrew lifts one hand from the wheel and gently shoves at Neil’s cheek, but Neil is undeterred. They hardly talk on the drive to Nevada, content to simply share space and let the music fill the silence.

Neil surprisingly doesn’t fall asleep. Of course he starts to feel tired only a couple of hours into his turn behind the wheel, but Andrew drove for longer than planned so he sucks it up. Andrew flips through his CD booklet when another album reaches its end and Neil taps his fingers against the wheel to the new tunes. They fly down desert roads in the dark and Neil looks over at Andrew when the Vegas lights come into view.

“Gonna keep those on?” Neil asks, nodding at Andrew’s sunglasses.

“Might as well.”

They drive down the strip and stare at the extravagant hotels, the obnoxious lights, the fountain. Neil drives further down and turns into a lot when Andrew points at a neon sign that reads “Vacancy”.

Neil climbs out of the car and stretches. “So are we sleeping or going out?”

Andrew watches him from the other side of the car, sunglasses still keeping his eyes hidden.

“You might not be able to get in anywhere.”

“We can try if you want.”

“Club?”

“Probably the safest bet.”

Andrew nods and leads the way inside. The place is sketchy, the kind of motel you see in a scary movie or maybe a news story. Andrew takes one look around and walks back out, ignoring the person at the counter asking if they need help.

“Maybe the Bellagio has rooms available. Or the Palace.”

“Are those hotels?”

Andrew points them out in the near distance. When Neil spots them, he shakes his head. 

“You’re not serious.”

“I am.”

“Andrew, that’s ridiculous.”

Andrew pulls the keys out of Neil’s pocket and let’s his hand linger for a second. He climbs into the driver’s seat and Neil just stands there.

“You can sleep right where you’re standing for all I care.”

Neil sighs. “It’s a lot of money.”

“I don’t care.”

“I do.”

“Don’t. I got it.”

“That’s not the problem, it’s just not smart.”

“This isn’t your old life and this isn’t where I want to spend the rest of my night so get in the car or sleep with the maggot infested bodies that are probably buried under the floorboards in this place.”

Neil gives Andrew a look that Andrew doesn’t return. When Neil gets in the car, Andrew speeds off. Neil fears that Andrew will ask for an oversized, gaudy suite they don’t need so he rushes out of the car to be the first at the front desk. He explains that they just need one bed for the night and the person helping them gives Neil a strange look. 

“Just passing through?”

“Yeah.”

With another curious look, they are handed their room cards. The associate tells them about the bar downstairs, room service offerings, and check out times. Andrew pays for a late check out just in case and leads the way to the room. Even the hotel’s lesser suites are out of this world. The room is lit up by a view of the strip and the bed looks big enough to fit all of the Foxes. Andrew gets changed right away and Neil already resents their decision to go out. It’s the reason Andrew is wearing this outfit in the first place, but it’s also the reason Neil won’t be able to help him out of it, at least not for a while.

“Quit staring.”

Neil blinks hard and shakes his head at himself, flustered. Andrew digs through Neil’s bag and pulls out a couple of suitable options that he packed for Neil. Neil comes up behind him and rests a careful hand on Andrew’s hip.

“Is this ok?”

“Yes.”

Neil holds on a little tighter, rests his chin on Andrew’s shoulder.

“Sorry for staring,” Neil says. “I was just thinking you look really nice tonight.”

“Nice,” Andrew echoes.

“More than nice,” Neil adds.

“Pay less attention to how I look and more to how you look,” Andrew says flatly.

Neil nuzzles gently into Andrew’s neck and keeps his chin tucked against Andrew’s shoulder to look at the clothes. Andrew points out his pick and Neil pulls away regretfully to get dressed, not bothering to look at the other option before he pulls the white t-shirt and black jeans Andrew chose off the bed. Andrew throws a black jacket at Neil to put on and Neil stops Andrew on their way out of the hotel.

“Excuse me? Would you mind taking a picture of us?”

“Feel free to say no,” Andrew chimes in.

“Just one picture,” Neil promises.

“Sure thing,” the front desk person answers with a smile.

“What do you plan on doing with all of these?”

“Plastering them to my ceiling in a shrine,” Neil says, struggling to find a suitable place for his hand.

Andrew glares at Neil as he guides Neil’s arm over his shoulder and wraps his own around Neil’s waist.

“Ready?”

Neil nods at the associate. He turns his head to look at Andrew and Andrew turns to look at him. Neither of them smile, they don’t even look at the camera. There’s a click and a flash and Neil doesn’t move for a second because Andrew’s got this look in his eye, this spark of sorts, and his grip around Neil’s waist has tightened.

“Should I take another?”

“No, that’s ok,” Neil answers, eyes still on Andrew’s. “Whatever you took is fine.”

With another strange look, they’re given back the camera. With wishes for a fun and safe night, they leave the hotel and head for the nearest club. There’s a short line out the door and Neil can see the pulsating lights from a short ways down the strip. Andrew lights up on the walk and when they find their place in line, Neil steals the cigarette for a pull.

The lines moves a bit slowly and the long drive catches up with Andrew and Neil. Andrew ends up wrapped around Neil, arms locked around his waist and cheek resting against his back. They walk in short, synchronized steps till they get to the front of the line only to find out that their wait was for nothing.

“Sorry. Twenty one and over.”

“Even if I’m not drinking?”

“Nope. Sorry, kid.”

Neil rolls his eyes and Andrew leads him away from the club.

“Sorry,” Neil says as they walk away.

“Didn’t realize you chose your birthdate,” Andrew replies, annoyed by Neil’s apology.

Neil ignores the tone. “Should we just head back to our room?”

“Might as well.”

Neil slides his hand along Andrew’s wrist and against his palm, trails his fingertips over the center before he wraps Andrew’s hand in his own. Neil turns to lead the way back and catches a club goer waiting in line staring at him. Neil doesn’t need to guess what the man’s eyes are focused on. The obvious staring at his scar is enough to flood his cheeks with heat.

“Good thing,” the guy says, quietly like he’s trying to keep the conversation to himself, but he’s failing miserably. If his blatant staring isn’t enough, Neil hears loud and clear, “That’ll make the entire place sick.”

Andrew must catch it, too, because his grip on Neil’s hand tightens just as Neil’s does.

“What kind of pathetic fucking excuse for a human being are you?”

Neil’s blood goes cold at the venom in Andrew’s voice and he manages a quiet, “Andrew, leave it.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“Maybe you should listen to him,” the guy slurs, stumbling a bit when he takes a single step forward.

“Maybe you should learn to keep your comments to yourself. Too stupid to have paid attention when they taught you that in grade school?”

“Now we know whatever did that to your face didn’t hurt your balls, huh kid?”

“No, but it’ll hurt yours,” Neil says, unbothered.

“Is that a threat?”

“It is until I go through with it.”

The man points a wobbly finger at Neil and juts his chin out. Alcohol is pungent on his breath when he speaks and his friend tries to restrain him with a hand at his waist.

“Try anything and I’ll leave you looking a lot worse.”

Andrew lets go of Neil’s hand and Neil shakes his head, knows better than to try and stop him physically. Andrew gets the guy in a chokehold and Neil catches the glimmer of a knife for a split second, watches with his breath stuck in his throat as Andrew presses it into the man’s neck. The people waiting and watching this unfold fall silent, a couple of them gasp. Neil feels eyes on them, but pays them no mind.

“Just let it go,” Neil tries calmly.

“I think he deserves it.”

“As much as I would like to see you kick the ever loving shit out of him, you know it’s not worth it.”

“You’ve got ten seconds to squash the bullshit before I call the cops,” the security guard announces to the lot of them, though Neil figures he’s bluffing.

“Andrew.”

It feels like an eternity passes before Andrew shoves the guy away and he catches himself on his hands. Neil immediately reaches for Andrew, pulls at his hand, away from the man as he pushes himself off the ground.

“Let’s go,” Neil says. 

“Fuck you, lunatic,” the man says to Andrew’s back.

Andrew ignores it, lets Neil lead them away from the club. Neil keeps his ears open for the sound of sirens and keeps looking over his shoulder on their walk back. His nerves ease only when they reach their room and he backs into the door to close it, eyes Andrew as he walks towards the bed.

“I’ve gotta say,” Andrew starts, stepping out of his shoes. “Your attitude can be mildly entertaining.”

“Yeah well. Yours is terrifying.”

“I scare you,” Andrew says curiously.

“Your carelessness does.”

Andrew ponders that for a moment. “And why is it that you care so much?”

“I just don’t want you to get into trouble. I don’t want you to end up somewhere you don’t want to be away from Palmetto and the court and your family and-”

“And?”

Neil swallows hard and digs the toe of his shoe into the ground.

“And me,” he says quietly. “I don’t want to lose you, Andrew.”

“What if I left? What if I did something bad enough? Poor junkie would have nothing left but Exy and what would you do then?”

“I don’t know,” Neil answers honestly. “Exy wouldn’t be enough.”

“Wouldn’t it?”

“Not anymore.”

Andrew stifles a change in his expression that furrows his brows and turns his lips down at the corners for a moment. He tilts his head in a call for Neil to come closer and Neil does, sits down on the bed beside Andrew after he’s taken a seat.

“I was stupid enough to let this happen. So were you, but you could have stopped this. You should have.”

“I still could,” Neil says. The look Andrew gives him is unreadable. “But I won’t.”

“Your stupidity is impressive.”

“I’ve impressed you? That’s a first.”

“And you’re annoying me. Amazing the things you can do all at once.”

Neil shakes his head. “Anything else?”

Andrew nods once and pulls Neil into his lap almost effortlessly.

“Yes or no?”

“Am I stupid if I say yes?”

“You’re stupid anyway.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“If it’s going to bore me further, then no.”

“I don’t know where you go when stuff happens like what just did or that night at Eden’s with Nicky,” Neil says with an indicative tap against Andrew’s head, ignoring Andrew’s response, “if you black out or don’t see another option. I don’t know and I’m not asking you to tell me, I just want to tell you that I don’t think you’re a monster or a lunatic.”

Andrew’s eyes focus on Neil’s. He keeps quiet, but the way his arms wrap just a little tighter around Neil is telling enough.

“Are you done?”

“Yes. And to answer your other question from before- yes.”

Andrew wastes no time. Neil doesn’t turn quickly enough and jams his nose into Andrew’s, but it doesn’t hurt badly enough to stop. Neil peels off Andrew’s jacket and Andrew slides his hands underneath Neil’s shirt. Andrew keeps their pace so clothes don’t come off until they change for bed and that time doesn’t come till Neil’s neck is marked with hickeys and yawns force them to stop kissing somewhere around four in the morning.

Neil changes into comfier clothes on one side of the bed, Andrew on the opposite. Neil settles under the blanket, watches Andrew’s back, how his shoulder muscles contract with his movement when he pulls off his arm bands and stretches tired bones.

Andrew takes his place next to Neil, rests on his side so he can watch the face in front of him. Neil stares back tiredly, eyes growing harder to keep open with every blink.

“Your scars aren’t what I see when I look at you. They are a part of you, but you’re more than them.”

Neil’s eyes open wide despite his sleepiness, but no words leave his mouth. He simply nods, touches the marred skin on his cheek. Andrew catches Neil’s hand and pulls it away, lets his fingertips brush gently over the mark.

“Get some sleep.”

~

They head out after breakfast. Neil tries to ignore the knot in his stomach as they drive to their next stop. He sits with his head against the glass, staring out at desert and road. It all passes in a blur and every time Neil closes his eyes, he sees the view from his mom’s car on the drive down the coast. He can hear her voice making him recite his rules and promises, can feel the hopelessness and anger ravage his gut. Neil’s hands start to tremble and his stomach contracts like he might be sick and grief is like a wave swallowing him whole and pulling him under. 

“Pull over,” Neil says, voice cracking over the words.

Andrew looks over wordlessly, comes to a halt on the road’s shoulder without question. Neil viciously yanks his seatbelt off and fumbles out of the car, leans against the door with his hands gripping his thighs. Cars whiz by and the rush of wind fills his ears, barely blocks out the crackle of metal on fire that echoes in his head. It takes a second to catch his breath and when he does, he’s thankful to smell open air and not fire or burning flesh. He notes the sound of a car door slamming closed and sees Andrew’s sneakers approach, kick up the dirt on the ground.

Andrew passes Neil a cigarette and Neil straightens up, takes a long drag. Neil meets his eyes and shakes his head, looks from Andrew to the sky, squints against the brightness. Neil takes another deep breath and touches Andrew’s hand, lingers for a moment before he nods for Andrew to get back in the car. Andrew swerves off the shoulder and Neil forces the memories of his mother into the back of his head, curls his hands into fists to stop them shaking. Neil watches Andrew wrap his hand around one of Neil’s and uncurls his fist, lets their fingers slot together. He lets loud music infiltrate his thoughts and squeezes Andrew’s hand, counts his own heartbeats in his head till he falls asleep.

~

It’s almost as if Neil’s body knows where he is. He’d been napping peacefully until he shot up in a panic. With a white knuckled grip on the car door, he gets his bearings and blinks to clear his vision. The first thing his eyes focus on is the sign they’re driving passed that reads “Welcome to California” in letters that are too big and bright.

“How long was I asleep?”

“About an hour.”

“Felt like longer,” Neil replies.

Neil stretches in his seat, but new tension settles in his limbs. His stomach aches and he feels too warm. Like a fire is burning close enough to stain his clothes and skin with smoke. He closes his eyes and props his head against the seat headrest, takes a long deep breath and lets it go.

“We’ve barely crossed state lines,” Andrew says without looking at him.

“I’m aware.”

“She’s gone,” Andrew says. “Just like your past. Stop being so afraid of it.” Andrew spares a fleeting look at Neil and presses cool fingers to the back of Neil’s neck, lets the weight of his palm settle before he speaks. “You’re ok.”

Neil believes him.

~

The room Neil and Andrew are staying in has a view of the beach. Initially it twists Neil’s stomach just to look at it, but Andrew sits with him on the balcony for a while, asks him what the beach after Washington looked like.

“Not like this,” Neil answers.

The silence that follows is heavy, but not uncomfortable. It’s Andrew patiently holding Neil up while he tries to keep from crumbling so soon. It’s Neil hating himself for being such a coward, wishing he could just move on. It’s sharing cigarettes and Neil letting Andrew hold him up, taking comfort in quiet strength and a shoulder to lean on.

“Will you go with me? To the beach?”

“Ok.”

Neil almost immediately regrets this decision. Panic’s claws curl around his throat, but Andrew’s hand on the small of his back reels him in. Neil sits down far from the water’s edge, hates how the sand feels on his skin at first and slowly gets used to it. Andrew sits beside him, silent and watchful. Dread slowly seeps out of Neil, washes away with the tide down the beach. He stands up to get closer to the water and lets it cover his feet, wades in up to his ankles when Andrew joins him.

“It’s not so bad,” Neil admits.

They walk together a short ways down the beach before they turn around to head back towards their room. Neil decides he likes the water, could do without the sand. He can’t stop imagining that the small, sharp grains are poisoned with hints of ash. He climbs out of bed after a bad dream wakes him up and goes out to the balcony to watch the waves roll in. The tide is high and the moon shines silver on the water and it calms Neil a bit. He doesn’t feel tired enough to go back to sleep yet so he stays outside. 

He closes his eyes and listens to the ocean, replays moments from the road trip. He feels the tension release from his shoulders and breathes a deep sigh of relief when he thinks of sunny days and clear skied nights. Unfamiliar beds shared with a most familiar person, of late nights and quiet mornings and having nothing but each other. 

Andrew. All it takes is the very thought of him to ground Neil, help him find his way back. Neil instinctively traces the shape of a key into the palm of his hand. He can feel its light weight in his hand the same way he can feel Andrew’s lips on his neck, his mouth, his stomach and chest. He can feel the butterflies and dizziness and horrible thrill he felt when Andrew kissed him for the first time. Kissing him still makes Neil dizzy sometimes. He nearly smiles to himself at the thought, but the light tap of footsteps distracts him. Neil is unsurprised when Andrew walks out, twists around to face him.

“Go back to bed,” Neil tells Andrew, noting his heavy lidded eyes and slow movements.

“You had a bad dream again,” Andrew guesses, ignoring Neil’s statement.

“I’m good now. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Andrew hesitates. Neil juts his chin towards the door and after another minute, Andrew turns and goes inside with a quiet, “Don’t be long.”

~

After a day spent poolside, Neil’s happy to kick back in their hotel room for the night. He’s just finished washing chlorine out of his hair and off his skin, and he gets dressed carefully as sunburn has already made his skin hurt a little. He finds Andrew on the bed when he comes out and he sits on the end of it.

Neil notes Andrew’s reddened cheeks and says, “You caught sun today.”

Andrew looks up briefly before his gaze falls back to the drink in his hand.

“So did you.”

“I burned my shoulders,” Neil replies, rubbing one of them through his t-shirt.

“Your cheeks,” Andrew says, eyes still cast down.

“I didn’t notice.”

Andrew curls his finger towards himself and Neil steps onto the mattress, takes a couple of shaky steps and plops down next to Andrew. Andrew puts his drink on the night table and rests his hand on the back of Neil’s neck to force him closer. He slides his hand to Neil’s cheek and rubs his thumb first over the colorless scars and then just beside Neil’s nose below his eye.

“It brought out freckles.”

Neil cocks his head and lets Andrew look at him. “You don’t miss a thing.”

Andrew wordlessly nods his agreement. He drops his hand and Neil already misses the contact. He leans against the cushiony headboard and pats the space between his legs. Andrew ignores him at first and gets up to refill his cup instead. Only when he returns does he recline against Neil. Neil checks Andrew’s pulse out of habit and it’s regular, stays the same even when Andrew lets his weight settle a little more.

Neil watches a fuzzy video Kevin sent of a new drill he’s been practicing, checks in with Wymack and Abby while Andrew checks in with Betsy. Andrew lets Neil talk about Exy, his hope and expectancy for a good season. Neil brings up his position as vice captain, how nervous he is and feels like he doesn’t deserve it. Just like always, Andrew offers a hand in carrying the weight without question or comment. Neil falls silent eventually and Andrew tilts his head back to look at Neil.

“Are you at least a little excited to get back on the court?” Neil asks when their eyes meet.

“No.”

“C’mon. There are bound to be some interesting moments.”

“Ask me how I feel when we get to them.”

“Fair enough.”

Andrew keeps his eyes on Neil, stretches awkwardly to keep a hand on Neil’s neck, one finger curled against the collar of Neil’s shirt.

“You are a junkie and Kevin is obsessed. I’ll never feel that way about it.”

“Because you won’t let yourself or because you genuinely can’t?”

“You sound like you think you know the answer.”

“I’m pretty confident that I do.”

Andrew’s eyes narrow and Neil stares into them unblinking. Andrew flips over completely and puts a finger to Neil’s lips.

“Keep it to yourself.”

Neil puckers his lips just slightly against Andrew’s index finger and gives a stiff nod. He knows Andrew is trying to let himself feel differently, let himself feel at all, and he knows how hard it is for him. He knows when to leave it alone or when it’s ok to give a little push. Right now, Andrew wants Neil to leave it alone so he will.

~

The days are lazy, warm, tinged with kisses laced with ice cream and alcohol. California, a black hole that spit out the broken remains of the boys they used to be, is now the same place where Andrew carried Neil piggy-back style down the beach when he started to complain about the rocks and seashells scratching his skin. The same place where Neil let Andrew push him down against a pool chair and kiss him senseless, where they kissed with the ocean lapping at their ankles, begging to drown them the way they let themselves drown in each other.

It’s gone by too fast. Lazy mornings spent under the covers and late nights kissing on the balcony can’t last forever, but Neil wishes like hell that they could. He wants to feel the ocean lapping at his toes and Andrew’s skin underneath his hands for as long as he can, soak it in and never forget it.

Neil towels off his hair and nearly turns to leave the bathroom, but catches his reflection just before. He touches his fingers to the scars on his cheek, the marks left by Lola’s knife. He winces when his own skin makes contact, remembers the moment in flashes that leave him seeing spots and clenching the counter trying to keep himself grounded.

Neil forces himself to remember where he is, how he got here. Because he _lived_. He touches the scars again and looks away from himself, leaves the bathroom expecting to find Andrew on the bed. When he doesn’t, he knocks on the sliding glass door to the balcony and pokes his head out. Andrew is sitting on the floor, back to the wall and chin tilted up. His eyes are shut and his cigarette is hanging from his lips like it’s been forgotten.

“Hey.”

Andrew is silent, but he seems to remember the cigarette and he pulls it away from his lips, lets it burn between his fingers.

Neil can tell something is off so he asks, “Do you want to talk?”

Andrew shrugs. He finally opens his eyes as Neil bends to sit beside him. He watches silently and when Neil gets settled he says, “I hate this place. I remember everything all the time and I will never forget it, but being here,” Andrew explains on an exhale of smoke. “I feel everything.”

Neil recalls the last few nights, waking up in the middle of the night to see Andrew awake, watching Neil or watching nothing. Taking up the balcony to smoke or snack or kiss long after the sun has gone down. 

“That’s why you haven’t been sleeping.”

Neil takes Andrew’s silence for confirmation. He moves a little closer to Andrew and bumps his shoulder lightly just to get his attention.

“We can leave early if that’s what you want. If that’s what’s best,” Neil adds.

“I wanted to come here.”

“It’s ok if you changed your mind.”

“Have you? Are you still afraid?”

Neil swallows hard and rests his cheek on his knee. “I buried my mother here,” Neil says tiredly, almost hopelessly. “This place will always be haunted ground for me.”

Andrew is silent again and Neil gives it a minute before he says, “But that’s why we’re here, isn’t it? To face it.”

“What do you know about facing anything? The only thing you’ve ever done besides play Exy is run.”

“And I’m done running.”

Andrew spares a look at Neil, but doesn’t speak. Neil keeps his eyes trained on Andrew and when he looks at Neil again, it’s through narrowed eyes.

“Staring.”

“It’s ok to feel however you feel,” Neil says. “If it makes you sad or angry or-”

“I never said I was any of those things.”

“You are though, aren’t you?”

“Don’t be presumptuous.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Neil says without missing a beat. “You aren’t weak if that’s what you think.”

Andrew takes another drag of his cigarette and leans his head back, stares out at nothing while Neil stares at him.

“I was. All children are weak, aren’t they? But I was at the bottom of the food chain. That life isn’t something I need to face again.”

Andrew’s rare moments of blatant honesty always catch Neil off guard. He watches smoke curl through the air in front of Andrew and scoots closer to him.

“Fair enough, but then why did you want to come here?”

“To leave it behind.”

The lack of arm bands to bed and slowly building comfort start to make a little more sense to Neil in retrospect. He puts the pieces together in his head and feels the strange tension of butterflies in his stomach.

“You want to remember this,” Neil says quietly, gesturing between the two of them.

Andrew puts his cigarette out and stands up. Neil watches and waits for denial, but doesn’t get any, and he joins Andrew after a moment, leans beside him against the balcony railing.

“I’ll always have these,” Andrew says, brushes his fingers against his arm band, “just like you’ll always have these,” Andrew adds, touching Neil’s stomach over his shirt with careful fingers. “This will always be where you buried your mother just like this place will always be a waking nightmare for me,” Andrew says, hesitating probably because he knows full well it’s a gross understatement.

“But it can be more,” Neil finishes for him.

Andrew nods once. Neil looks down at the floor and Andrew gets his attention with a gentle tug of his hair, his other hand on Neil’s stomach prepared to grab his shirt. Neil looks up and meets Andrew’s eyes just as Andrew’s fingers brush over the scar on Neil’s cheek.

“I believe your brooding, cold, ‘I don’t care’ act less and less every day.”

Andrew flattens his hand against Neil’s cheek and shoves lightly. “Don’t be a smart ass.”

The corners of Neil’s mouth turn up just a little. He catches Andrew’s wrist and presses his thumb to the center, slides up and interlocks their fingers. Andrew shifts so that he gets Neil pressed against the railing and he tilts his head thoughtfully.

“Where did she die?”

Neil’s blood turns to ice in his veins. He looks down, but Andrew doesn’t let him, forces Neil to look back at him with a guiding hand.

“North,” Neil answers. “On the lost coast.” Andrew is silent. Neil shakes his head at him. “I am not going back there.”

“Not alone,” Andrew counters.

Neil opens his mouth, but no words come out. Neil can hardly stand the thought of going back there, but maybe this can be the end of it, the release he needs to move on and keep healing. It makes him wonder about Andrew though, if he can really just leave this all behind. Neil reminds himself that Andrew’s past is entirely different, that their scars are rooted in different pains and histories. Drake is gone and he’s decided that Cass is a closed case he doesn’t need to reopen.

As usual, Andrew is intent on getting through to Neil and helping him heal, but won’t bother with himself. Neil’s body tenses at the memories of the day his mother was killed and he tries to push them back.

“We’ll leave a day early to make the trip,” Andrew says before Neil can argue anything.

Neil watches him go and stays out on the balcony a little while longer. His thoughts drift from Andrew to fire, from kisses to ashes and sand. When he finally goes inside, Andrew is waiting for him and Neil lets Andrew be his distraction, take every thought and replace it with just one. Just for right now.

~

On their last day in California, Neil and Andrew sleep in. Neil tries to, at least. He keeps waking up, disturbed by nightmares about his mother. He’s not looking forward to the trip later, but he’s accepted that he won’t change Andrew’s mind. Andrew sleeps peacefully, at least Neil hopes so, figures as much from how still he is now.

The next time Neil jolts awake, Andrew wakes up with him. Neil is breathless, heart pounding and skin hot and sticky, and Andrew shuts his eyes again quickly, but not before he pulls Neil against him under the covers.

“Cut it out,” he says grumpily, still not ready to leave the bed. “You’re ok.”

Neil focuses on Andrew’s breathing till it lulls him back to sleep. He sleeps lightly and not for long, but he figures at this point there’s no use trying anymore. His back is to Andrew, but he can tell he’s awake from the way he shifts around, buries his face against Neil’s neck. Only when he’s tired does he let himself be this vulnerable and Neil never pushes away, nor does he push further. Andrew’s breath against his neck is warm and welcome, and Neil would be content to just spend the rest of the trip like this. Andrew drags himself out of bed eventually and Neil watches as he flips through the booklet of local attractions and restaurants in search of food.

“Anything?” Neil asks after a bit.

Andrew points at the page and taps his finger. “I want a shake and this place has a bunch. It’s on the boardwalk.”

“Let’s go then.”

Andrew rushes to freshen up and get dressed and Neil follows suit. Neil resents his scars as soon as he walks outside, wishes he could walk around comfortably in such high heat. Andrew, unsurprisingly, seems unfazed. They walk to the restaurant and before his bottom hits the seat, Andrew orders a shake with extra whipped cream.

As it’s on the boardwalk, the restaurant is open air and the ceiling fans throughout hardly help alleviate the humidity. Andrew leans back on his side of the booth and spreads out as much as he can. He drapes his arm over his knee and sips his shake in an attempt to keep cool that barely works.

“We should go to the beach,” Neil says. “Cool off after we eat.”

Andrew nods. He orders another shake and dessert and Neil swipes his finger through the whipped cream when the waitress drops it off at their table.

“You must have a death wish.”

“You asked for extra,” Neil argues.

“Not for you.”

Neil raises his eyebrows and narrows his eyes. He reaches for the cup again, challenges Andrew with an even stare. Andrew cocks his head just so, juts his chin forward once in a dare. Neil dips his finger again and before he can draw back and lick the cream, Andrew catches his wrist in a tight grip. He pulls Neil’s hand closer and when Neil understands what Andrew’s about to do he tries to pull back.

“You’re joking right? In front of all these people?”

“Who’s looking?”

“Andrew-”

“Yes or no?”

Neil pauses. The heat pooling in his stomach is a yes, but the heat in his cheeks is a no, only because someone might see. Neil swallows thickly and nods, answers with a soft “yes” meant only for Andrew to hear. Neil’s toes curl in his sneakers when Andrew sucks the whipped cream off his index finger. Andrew pushes Neil’s hand back towards Neil’s chest with a bored expression, rests his cheek in his palm, elbow propped against the table.

Neil nearly steals more of the topping off Andrew’s shake just to see what he’ll do, but he drops it, still too flustered. Neil leaves a wad of cash on the table once they get the bill and they make their way to the beach, walk off the food with their shoes in hand, sun beating down on them. The cliffs down the beach catch Neil’s eye and he looks from Andrew to the water below them. 

“Can we try something?”

“Tell me what it is first and then I’ll answer.”

Neil nods towards the cliffs. Just as Andrew looks, someone jumps down into the ocean.

“You can try something and I can sit and watch you break your ankles, how does that sound?”

“Ok,” Neil says carelessly.

He picks up the pace a little and Andrew follows at his side. Nerves tie a knot in Neil’s stomach as the looming cliffs grow closer, but he doesn’t stop. He follows signs that lead to the dive points and Andrew doesn’t say anything, just keeps pace. It’s not long before they find the spot and Andrew pauses where he stands, lets Neil go to the edge by himself. Neil spots some surfers and a few beach goers off to one side of the shore and looks back at Andrew. 

“Thought you just wanted to watch me break my ankles,” Neil says.

Andrew gives Neil a dead eyed stare and Neil shrugs.

“If you do this with me, we can get matching casts.”

“You won’t need a cast in a casket.”

Andrew’s annoyance slides off Neil like water off a duck’s back. He knows it’s fear talking and he also knows Andrew is only up here because he’s here and he appreciates that more than Andrew would ever let him say.

“Can you get closer?”

Andrew stays quiet. He answers by taking a few hesitant steps towards Neil. Neil goes back to him and takes his hand, presses their palms together tightly.

“You trust me, right?”

“Blame it on my self destructive tendencies.”

Neil nods his head towards the cliff’s edge, partially to hide his smile.

“It’s not that high. Come look. We don’t have to jump.”

“Then why are we here?”

“Because I want to, but only with you,” Neil says like it’s as simple as the sky is blue. “Just look.”

Andrew finally walks to the edge and sits down, lets his legs dangle. Neil joins him and he grabs Neil’s hand, plants Neil’s index finger above his pulse point. Neil frowns at the speed of it and leans his head on Andrew’s, has to squint against the blazing sun. He silently flashes back to the last time he ever saw his mother, can smell fire and smoke in the salty air, feel ash and sand underneath his fingernails. California was never anything more than the darkest part of an ongoing nightmare and now it feels like a dream, warm and hazy. Where fire once consumed Neil’s every memory of this place, Andrew’s rewritten the map and turned it into something Neil doesn’t want to run away from. 

“Let’s do it.”

Neil was too caught up in his own thoughts to realize Andrew stood up. Neil can tell from how he fidgets with his lip pinched between his fingers that he’s nervous.

“Only if you really want to.”

“It’s not like you didn’t know that I don’t like heights.”

“I just thought it was worth a shot.”

“Why do you want to do this anyway?”

“Because it’s scary and exciting and new, and so is all this,” Neil says, gesturing between himself and Andrew, at the open space around them. “This is what I want us to remember. This kind of fear, the good kind.”

“The good kind,” Andrew mocks. “I find it hard to believe I’ve managed to get this far without killing you,” he says, but the harshness in his voice is hardly there.

Neil pulls his shirt over his head, drops his arm bands right on top. He’s in nothing but the boxers he now uses as designated swim trunks and Andrew’s eyes sweep over him. Neil steps to the edge and bounces his weight from one foot to the other. When he turns to reach out for Andrew, he freezes. Andrew’s stripped down just the same, arm bands tossed aside with Neil’s. Neil’s heart swells and his stomach drops, and he feels like he’s already free falling into the ocean. He doesn’t ask and Andrew doesn’t offer, neither of them really need to. It’s in naked skin baring scars and starry eyes, in feet lined up at the edge of a cliff. _Trust_. Andrew steps up and grabs Neil’s hand, and they simultaneously step forward, nearly over the edge.

“Ready?”

Andrew glares at him. “Not exactly.”

“Just say when.”

Andrew is silent for a beat and then, “Now.”

Neil opens his mouth to question it, but Andrew stops him with just a warning look hard enough to make Neil’s mouth snap closed.

“Before I change my mind,” Andrew adds.

They jump off hand in hand and Neil squeezes tight, swings his other arm as they fall. He can’t help the excited whoop that leaves his mouth on the way down and then it’s over in mere seconds. Even after they hit the water, they keep their hands locked together. They pop up for air at the same time and Neil gasps, flips his sopping hair out of the way and catches Andrew’s stare, pulls him in.

Andrew lets go of Neil’s hand only to hook his arms around Neil’s waist. Neil rests his arms over Andrew’s shoulders and catches his breath, chest rising and falling too hard and too quick, and he lets his head fall against Andrew’s. 

“I think I wanna go again.”

“Absolutely not.”

Neil grins, a genuine smile, unfamiliar in the way it pulls so hard it makes his cheeks hurt. It melts away into a breathless kiss when Andrew presses his lips to Neil’s. They’re flush against each other, but Neil still tries to get closer, clings desperately to Andrew who kisses Neil just the same. Neil licks salt water from Andrew’s neck, tastes it on his lips, and kisses him harder, keeps one arm hooked around Andrew’s neck and his free hand against Andrew’s cheek, fingers splayed so that his thumb rests near Andrew’s mouth.

Andrew pulls away just for a moment and their gazes meet. Neil’s stunned by the way the water reflects in Andrew’s eyes, more so by how unhidden Andrew is right now. His gaze is full, though Neil’s not sure of what. He just knows for sure that this isn’t Andrew’s usual empty, uninterested stare. There’s no mask right now, there’s just Andrew and the ocean, skin on skin and too many feelings threatening to spill out of Neil’s mouth.

When they kiss again, it’s slower and heavier, like they’re both taking their time to commit this to memory. Neil keeps Andrew’s cheek cupped in his palm when they break away again and rests his forehead against Andrew’s.

“I’m getting cold,” Neil says through lips tinged with blue, reddened more than anything from kisses and salt.

They swim back to shore and let the air dry them as they make their way back to the dive point. They cover damp skin with their clothes and kiss some more, and Neil remembers at the last minute that he brought his camera.

He holds it out in front of them in hopes that the angle is right. Andrew rests his forehead against Neil’s temple and Neil doesn’t even bother to pay attention to where he’s looking or what his expression is like when he presses the button. He takes another of the sun setting beyond the cliffs, turning the ocean into liquid gold, and then one of Andrew looking out at the view, hair still wet and head tilted slightly. Neil comes up behind him and kisses his neck and they make it back down to the beach eventually.

The day out in the sun and heat leaves them both tired and a little burnt so they head back to the hotel to rest before they leave for the hours long drive that awaits. Uncaring about the sand and sweat, Neil slides under the covers and is happy to have Andrew join him. Andrew’s sunkissed skin is still warm and Neil can’t help but to get as close as possible to escape the chill of the air conditioner. 

Neil lies awake with his head on Andrew’s chest and it’s not long before Neil shifts his weight on top of him. Andrew raises his palms into the air and Neil flattens his hands against them, guides Andrew to drape his arms over Neil’s shoulders in one fluid motion.

“Smooth,” Andrew observes and Neil leans down to kiss him.

Andrew opens his mouth without hesitation, threads his fingers into Neil’s hair to keep him where he is. It doesn’t work for long and Andrew loosens his hold when Neil moves to kiss his neck. Neil feels Andrew’s hands around his wrists and Andrew flips them around in seconds. He swings his leg over Neil’s hips and Neil welcomes Andrew’s weight, accepts his need to be the one in control again.

“We have to leave soon.”

“I know.”

Neil figures that Andrew’s reminder is more for himself than it is for Neil because Andrew kisses him anyway. He plants kiss after kiss along Neil’s neck and chest, twines their fingers together above Neil’s head. Neil lets Andrew kiss him thoughtless. Andrew pulls away after a while and observes the face in front of him with an even gaze. 

“We’re going. You look tired, you can sleep in the car.”

“One more,” Neil hums, clearly avoiding what comes next.

He catches Andrew’s eye roll, but Andrew kisses him anyway, soft and sweet, only lingers for a moment. He leaves Neil to shower and Neil stares at the ceiling. His thoughts settle on his mother, what she must have felt, how scared she must have been. Neil’s heart starts to pound and a cold sweat washes over him in an overwhelming wave at the thought of dying like she did. He nearly puts a hole in the sheet from how tightly he grips it and he forces his hands to loosen, reminds himself he’s here, he’s alive, he isn’t going anywhere.

Andrew comes out of the bathroom dressed and ready to go and stones settle in Neil’s stomach. He takes his turn, gets ready fast enough considering he would rather delay this for as long as possible.

Everywhere they’ve gone, they’ve kept their bags packed, but accessible. It’s purely out of habit, but it makes for a faster check out anyway. Andrew tells the employee at the counter that something came up that requires them to leave early and Neil frowns at the ground. They toss their bags in the backseat and Neil crosses over to the driver’s side, but Andrew shakes his head, twirls the car key around his index finger.

“You’ll veer us off the road if it means not going.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“Funnily enough that’s your specialty. Guess we’re really rubbing off on each other,” Andrew says flatly. “Get in,” he adds with a nod. “This isn’t going to kill you.”

Neil obliges and settles into the passenger seat.

“If you aren’t going to let me drive, can you at least stop to rest at some point?”

“I won’t need to.”

Neil keeps his face turned away so that Andrew doesn’t see his irritation. It fades quickly enough as Neil can’t help but to focus on their destination. Turning the volume up on the car stereo isn’t enough of a distraction and smoking one of Andrew’s cigarettes hardly helps. The second one doesn’t do much either. Andrew offers nothing but silence, but it’s oddly comforting still. Once the sky is completely dark Neil starts to doze, but the smell of smoke and blood tears him away from sleep whenever he gets too close.

Andrew drives till they hit the rocky coast. They watched the sun go down from the car the same way they watch it come back up now and Andrew didn’t stop after their one short detour to to fill the gas tank. The sky is tinged with pale yellow and orange over the horizon and directly above them it’s still a deep blue. Neil opens the passenger door wordlessly and stares out at the all too familiar surroundings. It strikes him that he feels the same numbness he did the last and only time he was here. Andrew doesn’t say a word and he doesn’t leave the car. 

Neil leaves his shoes by the side of the car and wanders off down the beach. It’s like he’s walking through a time warp and suddenly he’s here for the first time and his mother is gasping for her last breath, brutally beaten and slipping away. Neil’s knees hit the wet ground and cold sand scratches against his skin. He hears a car door close in the distance, but Neil doesn’t look back to see if Andrew is walking towards him. Neil brings himself back up and walks towards the water, tries to tell himself that the smell of fire that carries on the wind whipping against him isn’t real.

“Mom, I uh… I don’t know if you can hear me. If you can- I hope you can,” Neil says, voice dropping a notch lower, covered by the breeze. “I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry that we were dealt the hand we got. We didn’t deserve it, but I hope you know you didn’t die for nothing. You know that, don’t you?”

Neil gets closer to the water’s edge and dips his fingers in, digs the tips into the sand. Like he’s looking for her hand to hold. 

“I get to do what I love now. I have friends- a family, actually. A real one, I think. They all play Exy and they’re all amazing on and off the court. You might think I’m stupid for all this, but we ran for so long and never headed for anything. We just ran. It caught up to me and someone I care about a lot told me to stay, so that’s what I’m doing.

And that someone, his name is Andrew and he took me in. He brought me home. Safe to say that’s all anybody wants, right? To find what they’re looking for, what they’re running towards. He’s home, mom. You would probably kick my ass for breaking the promises I made you and I want to hate you for that, but I can’t. I know why you did what you did. I hope that even if you think I’m stupid for all the choices I’ve made, that you can be happy for me.”

Neil licks a stray tear off his lip and shakes his head at himself. He feels weak, like he’s doing the exact opposite of what his mother would want, but he doesn’t care. He looks at his faint, blurred reflection in the water and whooshes it away with a swipe of his hand, flattens his palm into the sand.

“Goodbye, mom,” Neil says through the lump in his throat.

He keeps his hand pressed below the surface of the water for a moment before he straightens. He turns around and finds Andrew standing with his back to the car, smoking a cigarette a short ways down the beach.

“Sorry if I took long,” Neil says, running his hand through his hair and over the back of his neck. “I just-” he shrugs, at a loss. Neil waves his hand behind him at the dark sand and the rolling tide and shakes his head, lips a tight line as waves of his own threaten to break the barrier.

“Let’s go.”

Neil nods. He turns around for one last look and follows Andrew back to the car. Neil leans against the window as soon as he settles in his seat. In the corner of his eye, he sees Andrew spare him a glance, but Neil keeps his gaze on the passing coast. The knot in his stomach that’s grown and tightened with pain and overwhelming loss feels loosened for the first time. Neil feels lighter. He tilts his head towards Andrew and watches for a moment, calls out with a gentle “Hey,” to get Andrew’s attention.

“Thank you,” Neil says, as quietly as he spoke on the beach.

He turns his head to face the window again, watches the coast fade into nothing and take some of his pain with it.

~

The car slowing down stirs Neil from sleep and it takes a second for it dawn on him. He slept. His watch and the pale sky tell him it was only a couple of hours, but it was enough to give him a little bit of a boost.

“Let me drive,” Neil says, stretching hard enough to crack a couple of bones. 

Andrew doesn’t say anything, but eventually pulls off the highway and into a rest area. Neil gets out of the car in search of a restroom and when he comes back, Andrew is standing against the driver side door holding the key. He lets it dangle off his finger and slide into Neil’s hand and Neil gets them back on the road. Andrew naps with his hand against his cheek, curled up with his ankles tucked under his thighs.

Andrew doesn’t rest for long and by the time Neil needs a break, the sun is sinking. Even if they switched, Andrew might need another break soon so Neil turns off at the closest lodging exit to look for a room for the night. After a quick meal, they retreat to their hotel room. Clothes are shedded and showers are taken and Neil readily throws himself onto the bed once he’s gotten comfortable, disappointed by it’s lack of bounce and softness. Andrew joins him, throws his arm over Neil’s side and traces indistinct patterns into Neil’s stomach over his t-shirt. The gentle touch makes Neil’s eyes heavy and he falls asleep in Andrew’s arms in no time.

~

Getting up the next morning knowing all they have to look forward to is more driving makes it hard for Neil to even open his eyes. He rolls over when he does, rests his forehead against Andrew’s.

“Check out is in an hour. We should get breakfast and then go.”

Neil nods. “Ok.”

They lie in comfortable silence for a while more. When Andrew climbs out of bed to dress, Neil just watches him. He’s in no rush, opts to stay under the blankets for as long as possible. Andrew returns to the side of the bed and eyes Neil.

“What are you pouting about?”

Neil didn’t even realize he was making a face. “I’m not ready to go,” he explains.

“A junkie needs another hit eventually.”

“Eventually,” Neil repeats. “This will hold me over just fine.”

“I’m not your fix,” Andrew says, a test of sorts.

“No,” Neil agrees. “You’re much more.”

Neil must pass with flying colors because Andrew joins him in bed, climbs on top of him fully clothed. They kiss lazily until Andrew retreats and pulls at Neil who groans in frustration.

Neil manages to force himself out of bed just minutes before they leave. He handles check out while Andrew goes outside to the car. When Neil joins Andrew, he spots a folded blanket on the passenger seat and he picks it up with a sigh when he slides into the car. Neil rests his hand on the back of Andrew’s head, twirls his fingers into blonde hair.

“Try not to be stubborn with the driving this time,” Neil says. “We have a long way to go and you’ll need a break.”

Andrew doesn’t answer. Neil plays with Andrew’s hair while Andrew sets up the GPS and before they hit the road, Neil leans over, kisses the side of Andrew’s neck, spreads his fingers out just below his hairline.

“I’m going to miss this.”

Andrew, again, doesn’t say anything. Neil keeps his eyes on Andrew, strokes a gentle hand over his jawline and then his neck again.

“Thank you.”

“For?” Andrew prompts.”

“For this. Everything,” Neil says with a shrug. “For not letting go.”

Andrew’s gaze is heavy and unwavering. He drives them off without a word. Neil keeps his hand on Andrew’s neck, plays with tendrils of hair and scratches softly, taps his fingers to the music that plays on the car stereo. Andrew gives Neil a slightly annoyed look when he pulls his hand away for a moment and Andrew’s expression cools when he feels the weight of Neil’s hand again. Neil’s amusement reveals itself in a sniffle of laughter, but Andrew keeps his eyes on the road and Neil keeps his hand in place.

~

Neil loses track of miles driven and borders passed. As they get closer to Palmetto, the itch to get back on the court gets stronger, but Neil isn’t necessarily in a rush. They have some time to spare so one night hotel stays turn into two just for the hell of it.

Some dead end town around the border of Arkansas and Oklahoma leaves them with nothing to do after a late dinner. The indoor pool is a strange shade of blue and the smell of chlorine is overpowering even from the hallway so they leave that alone and opt to stay in their room. Andrew collects snacks from the vending machine and throws a bag of candy at Neil that hits him on the side of the head.

“Thanks,” he deadpans, unable to even pretend to be annoyed when Andrew kisses him in response.

Neil rolls onto his stomach and Andrew leans with his arms crossed under his chin on Neil’s back. He tilts his head just so to look at Neil and Neil raises a questioning eyebrow. Andrew just stares back. It’s not long before his leads get heavy and Neil notices, shifts a bit so that Andrew opens his eyes a bit wider.

“You’re about to fall asleep.”

“Thanks for noticing.”

Neil shakes his head, sighs while he changes position. Andrew keeps his arms crossed where they are, lets Neil wiggle and shift underneath him until Neil is flat on his back. Neil pats his chest and says “All yours,” before he crosses his arms behind his head. Andrew flattens and rests his chin on Neil’s torso. Neil finds comfort in the weight of Andrew’s body on his, guides him to move up just a bit. Andrew’s breath is warm against Neil’s t-shirt and Neil unfolds one of his arms, lets his fingers brush like a soft breath against Andrew’s back, almost in the shape of a question mark.

“Yes,” Andrew says, understanding.

Neil draws his hand up and down Andrew’s spine. He lets his fingertips catch the hem of Andrew’s shirt and Andrew nods again, chin bumping Neil’s torso with each movement. Every time Neil scratches a bit higher, he pushes the shirt’s fabric up a little more. Andrew’s skin is warm and soft against Neil’s fingers and his breathing is slow, relaxed. Neil’s fingers tap along Andrew’s vertebrae, drag to the dip of Andrew’s back and he visibly stiffens.

“Hey,” Neil says calmly. “Too low. I got it.”

“Try again,” Andrew says, voice slightly muffled by his cheek pressed against Neil’s body.

Neil starts at Andrew’s middle and trails his fingers downward. Andrew’s deep inhale and exhale are hot against Neil’s chest, but he nods once. Neil repeats the motion, explores as far as Andrew will let him because Andrew likes it. And how often does he let himself be, especially like this, Neil thinks. Neil happily indulges him, traces patterns into his back, presses gentle knuckles against vertebrae and spells out their names with the tip of his index finger.

Andrew sits up and lifts the hem of Neil’s shirt. Neil shivers at the sudden touch of cool air to exposed skin and he shifts a little, looks at Andrew curiously.

“Yes or no?” Andrew asks.

“Yes.”

Andrew pushes the fabric higher, nods approvingly when Neil lifts his back off the bed to help Andrew along. Andrew settles again and Neil rubs gently over his back while Andrew traces the indents and paths of Neil’s scars. His fingers are light, warm, and Neil hates how his body reacts with a jolt when Andrew skims over one of the marks.

“Tell me to stop if that’s what you want.”

“It isn’t.”

“Then I’ll keep going, ok?”

“Yeah, I want you to.”

Andrew’s eyes grow heavier the longer Neil keeps this up. Neil feels tired too, soothed by Andrew’s touch, by the comfort and trust they’ve found in one another. They watch each other till Andrew’s eyes fall closed. Neil stops abruptly, fixes the blanket over the two of them and Andrew opens his eyes, fixes Neil with a glare.

“Keep going,” he mutters tiredly.

Andrew’s hand has since stopped moving, but he keeps it flat against Neil’s chest. The only hint of movement is his index finger tapping softly over Neil’s heart and it’s the last thing Neil remembers feeling before he joins Andrew in sleep.

~

The last leg of the drive runs overnight. Neil watches the sun come up from under a blanket in the passenger seat and at his slight movement, Andrew announced that they should be back at Palmetto within a few hours, no later than sunset as long as traffic complies. Andrew insists he’s good to finish the drive, so they only stop at a rest area to get gas and food a couple of hours in. Neil climbs out of the passenger side and stretches hard enough to make him ache for a second. Andrew leads him into the rest stop with a gentle hand wrapped around his wrist and they split up for Andrew to use the restroom while Neil grabs some food. 

Neil heads to the counter to pay and turns to find Andrew. His phone vibrates in his pocket, but the number calling appears to be private. He flips open the phone just to hang it up, but it rings again seconds later. Neil answers with a stiff hello and the voice that comes through the speaker turns his blood to ice and his heart to stone.

“You will not make a sound and you will not put up a fight, do you understand?”

“Yes,” Neil manages, but his voice doesn’t sound like his own. 

“It’s good to see you again, Junior,” the voice says before the line goes dead and Neil’s head shoots up, eyes searching.

Everything falls out of his arms when he sees Romero Malcolm standing near the restroom entrance. Neil’s legs move to run instinctively, but he locks himself in place. Visceral fear chills Neil down to his bones and he nearly falls down with relief when Andrew walks out of the bathroom unharmed. Andrew finds Neil quickly and Neil wonders if Andrew can see the tension in his shoulders or the fear in his eyes because Andrew looks at him with a dark, questioning expression. Andrew spots the food that litters the floor around Neil’s feet and squats down, pulls Neil’s collar to guide him to follow.

“What’s wrong?”

“Not here.”

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Talk to me now.”

Neil suddenly wishes he was dead. To spare Andrew, to spare himself, to escape. Neil nods his head towards the exit and leads the way, leans his forehead against Andrew’s when they step outside.

“My father’s men found us.”

“That’s not possible.”

There’s something underneath the anger and refusal in Andrew’s voice. Neil hates it, but he thinks it’s fear. “Romero was inside so Jackson must be here somewhere. I have to go with them.”

“No.”

“Andrew.”

“No,” he repeats harshly. “They found us. Not you, us. We will both go.”

“Absolutely not,” Neil scoffs. “I won’t let you.”

“You do not get to let or not let me do anything,” Andrew argues. “I’m sure they plan on taking us both anyway,” he adds casually.

“You’re probably right, but you can still run. Don’t do this for me, Andrew.” 

Andrew ignores him. Neil shakes his head and keeps his eyes shut, unwilling to show any more of the obvious fear in them. Neil hears the creak of the door and his heart sinks.

“Nathaniel.”

Neil looks up and Andrew’s grip tightens.

“Romero,” Neil answers with equal disdain. “Let’s get on with it. Your sister is dead, I don’t need you to map out what you’re going to do to me in a failed attempt to be like her.”

Andrew’s deadly glare lands on Neil and Neil doesn’t look at him. Neil is sure Andrew’s angry with him right now, but fear outweighs his care, anger of his own outweighs everything.

“If you put up a fight to get in that car, I’ll break both your wrists, got it?”

Neil slides in wordlessly when Jackson pulls up to the curb. Neil swallows stones and hates the mere thought of Andrew in such close proximity to these monsters, finds it harder to stomach the visual.

“They will not let us go alive,” Neil warns in German. “If you can run, just go.”

“No.”

“Andrew,” Neil begs, pain obvious in his voice.

Andrew cuts him off with a poisonous stare. Neil lets his head droop forward and doesn’t bother to move when Jackson reaches around to put a bag over Neil’s head and then Andrew’s. The drive could last for minutes, hours, maybe days as long as it feels. Neil doesn’t let go of Andrew’s hand for a second and Andrew’s grip remains tight. The car comes to a halt and Neil’s stomach drops, not ready to face what’s next even though he doesn’t have a choice. He waits for the sound of doors opening, but doesn’t hear it. Instead he hears shifting in the seat in front of him and then the sound of a fist connecting with his own face. Pressure builds in Neil’s face and then everything is dark. 

~

Voices. Neil hears them a notch louder than a whisper. In his head he opens his eyes, but in reality they are still shut, everything is still dark. Pain in Neil’s head breaks the threshold and he lifts his head slowly, blinks fast till he can keep his eyes open. 

“Andrew,” he sighs, filled with immense relief when he sees him tied to a post across from him.

“They hit you,” Andrew says, the furiousness clear in his voice.

“How long was I out?”

“Not long.”

Neil blinks again to clear his vision and spots Romero and Jackson on the other side of the room. He licks his lips and tastes blood that he assumes spilled out of his nose when Romero punched him. 

“If you can get out,” Neil says in German, keeping his voice low, “just do it. Go. You don’t need to stay here for me.”

“You’re dumber than I ever thought if you think I am going to listen to you.”

“And you’re more self destructive than I realized if you’re really going to choose to stay here.”

“I’m tied up, Neil,” Andrew reminds him. “I may not have a choice.”

“They want to kill me,” Neil says, pretending that fact doesn’t rip him apart. “You don’t need to be a part of this.”

“I will not leave you here.”

Neil opens his mouth to argue again, but footsteps coming closer shut him up.

“Nathaniel,” Jackson calls.

The sound of Neil’s old name makes him sick. He looks up with hate in his eyes at Jackson and waits for more.

“Aren’t you going to say hello?”

“Didn’t intend to.”

Jackson squats down in front of Neil and leans in. “Little Nathaniel suddenly has a backbone because his father’s gone. Is that what it took? Cause I sure as hell don’t think taking it up the ass is helping much in that department.”

Neil doesn’t give it a second thought when he kicks Jackson in the face. The bottom of his sneaker connects with Jackson’s jaw and Jackson sucks his teeth, licks at what Neil hopes is blood on his gums. 

“Keep it up,” Jackson says. He stands up just to knee Neil’s jaw and Neil tastes blood, spits it onto Jackson’s shoe. “This will only put you both deeper in the ground.”

“Not so soon, though,” Romero reminds everyone. “I think we should have a little fun first. It’s what Lola would have wanted.”

“You wanted me, didn’t you? You found me so just let him go.”

“Why would I do that?”

“Why wouldn’t you? What good does it do hurting him?”

Romero leers at Neil and pulls out a knife from his jacket pocket. He wipes his thumb over the flat side of the blade and levels himself with Andrew, looks over at Neil again. 

“It hurts you.”

Neil watches horrified as Romero unties Andrew’s ropes and pushes up the band on Andrew’s arm, reopens a scar on Andrew’s wrist. Andrew doesn’t even flinch and Neil meets his eyes, strains against the rope that ties his hands together. Friction burns his skin, but his focus stays on Andrew who stares back blankly.

Jackson pulls a knife out of his jacket that he holds to Neil’s chin. Neil turns away from it, but Jackson just follows, forces Neil to look at him.

“Do you have any idea how badly your father wanted you dead?”

“I always knew,” Neil says, ignoring the pain in his jaw.

“I just wish he was here to see it through,” Jackson says, ignoring Neil’s answer.

“If you lay a hand on him, you won’t leave this room alive.”

Neil curses under his breath at Andrew’s interjection. “Don’t listen to him. They’re hollow threats,” Neil says, eyeing Andrew defiantly over Jackson’s shoulder. “You’re here for me so get to work. Just leave him out of it.”

Jackson smiles darkly at Neil and looks over his shoulder at Romero.

“Do your worst,” he commands.

Neil shakes his head furiously and works at the ropes, pulls his wrist so hard he feels skin break. He keeps pulling, ignores the burning in hopes of loosening the bonds. Romero twists the knife into Andrew’s wrist and Neil watches Andrew use his free arm to swing at Romero. He lands a punch and the force of it makes Romero drop the knife. Andrew scrambles for it, but Romero falls on him, grabs at his ankles and then higher up to hold Andrew down.

Andrew struggles under Romero’s grip and slices the knife across wherever he can reach. Jackson doesn’t let the struggle distract him and keeps his attention on Neil. He plays the same game, reopens old scars just to watch them bleed. Neil struggles against Jackson’s knife, but can’t break free from the restraints. He tries to keep his eyes on Andrew and sees the knife gleaming in his hand. He has it pointed towards Romero’s neck, exactly where he wants it, but Romero’s got his arm in a tight grip.

Romero swings down and Andrew’s head flops to one side at the contact. Neil yells for him and keeps pulling, finally finds a loose spot in the ropes. He picks at it with his fingers, stretches to reach, and kicks at Jackson when he finally gets himself loose. He manages to land a couple of punches, puts every ounce of strength he has behind each one. He ignores splitting skin on his knuckles and swings till Jackson gets his bearings long enough to fight back. He pounds on Neil relentlessly and Neil feels every punch like a brick, tries to hold Jackson off of him, but fails.

“Just stop fighting. The only thing you were ever meant to do is die,” Jackson says, like he’s trying to calm down a child.

Neil throws a punch that lands hard enough that it even hurts him. “Fuck you, you animal.”

Jackson sucks his teeth and stands up, kicks Neil in the ribs. The shockwave of pain that washes over Neil tells him that the toe of Jackson’s boot is steel. Neil rolls onto his stomach to try and get away, but the boot connects with his side again and Neil screams in pain, feels his bones crunch. After the third strike, Neil can hardly breathe, and the sound that comes out is dry and broken. It must get Andrew’s attention because he wrestles out of Romero’s grip finally and sweeps the knife off the floor when he drops it.

Another kick against his ribs lifts Neil off the floor and Jackson slams him against the wall with a hand closed around his neck. Neil pulls at Jackson’s fingers, scratches and kicks, but Jackson’s hold remains tight. Neil gets slammed against the wall like a ragdoll and it knocks the wind out of him. Jackson slams him again and Neil’s shoulder takes the brunt of it this time. Every breath Neil takes rips his insides to shreds and each one is shorter than the last. Neil holds back a scream, refuses to give Jackson the satisfaction when he shoves a knife into Neil’s side. He pulls it out and stabs again next to the first wound, twists the knife into Neil’s flesh mercilessly. An evil smile plays on Jackson’s lips and Neil still doesn’t scream, but the involuntary tear that runs down his face must be enough for Jackson. Neil watches through pain spotted vision as Andrew fights Romero off and puts all his force behind his swing to jam the knife into the side of Jackson’s throat before Jackson can do any more damage. 

Neil slides down the wall when Jackson is forced to let him go and holds his throat as he inhales too hard and chokes trying to catch his breath. He watches Jackson slap his hand over his neck and gasp for air, grab helplessly at the handle of the knife. Blood drips out of the wound and spills over Jackson’s fingers, and Neil feels a sick satisfaction when Jackson falls onto his knees and hits the floor face first.

“Andrew,” Neil calls weakly, crumpled against the wall.

Andrew tries to go to him, but Romero pulls him back by his shirt and gets Andrew on the ground with a thump that sounds hard enough to knock the wind out of him. Romero swings on Andrew relentlessly and Andrew tries to hold him back, but Neil can tell every hit makes him weaker. Romero stands up just to kick at Andrew’s ribs and Neil swears he hears Andrew laugh at one point, but he hopes it’s just his imagination. Romero looks away from Andrew and Neil follows his gaze to the corner of the room where a baseball bat stands propped against the wall. 

Neil curses under his breath at the sight of it and his stomach twists. He forces himself off the ground and cries out in pain, falls back onto the floor closer to Jackson and pats him down. When Neil finds what he’s looking for, he rips it away from Jackson’s body and checks to make sure it’s loaded. He looks up to see Romero come at Andrew and Andrew rolls away from the bat. When it cracks against the floor, Neil winces at the sound. 

Romero swings and misses, and Neil looks up just in time to see Romero swing again. Neil calls Romero’s name and to Neil’s surprise he freezes with the bat in his hand. Neil points the gun away from Romero and tries to ignore how much blood has soaked through his shirt.

“You don’t need to kill him. It won’t do anything,” Neil forces out. “You have reason to kill me. Killing him will make this messier than it needs to be, don’t you think?”

Andrew’s standing now and he glares at Neil. “Shut up.”

“Have you considered that I don’t give a fuck about anything you have to say? Your own father never cared about you or what you want, why should I?”

“It’s not about me. It’s about you. Lola’s gone, remember? She can’t clean up after you.”

“No, but I can.”

“Not as good as her I bet. What will you do when the Moriyamas find out I was killed at your hands? They will come after you the second this gets out. I’m surprised they haven’t already.”

“Neil, shut the fuck up,” Andrew says, each word louder than the last. 

“Maybe you should listen to your friend,” Romero says, using the bat to gesture at Andrew. Romero lifts it so it’s level with Andrew’s face and tucks it under his chin to force Andrew to look up. “And maybe you should take your own advice.”

Andrew turns his head away from the bat and focuses his attention back on Neil, but his words are for Romero.

“Finish it then. You can’t kill us both at once so you better take care of me first because I promise I will make your death long and painful if you don’t.”

Neil’s heart rate spikes when Romero moves barely an inch. “Romero, hear me out,” Neil calls. “It’s my fault Nathan and Lola are dead. You know killing him is useless.”

Neil ignores Andrew’s growled curse. 

“He won’t tell anyone what happened here so just let him go. I might be dead soon anyway,” Neil adds, lifting his bloody hand away from his side.

Every time Neil blinks he sees a Fox. He sees a court, a winning score, his family, Andrew. He sees his mother dead in the driver’s seat having lost the battle he’s still fighting. He sees the ocean he jumped into and the sun in Andrew’s eyes and kisses that don’t last long enough even when they do. When Neil opens his eyes again he meets Andrew’s as Andrew rushes towards him, having shoved Romero out out of the way to get to him. Andrew slams his fist into the wall right near Neil’s skull hard enough to crack the surface and Andrew’s knuckles start to bleed.

“Do not do this. I will kill you myself if you keep up this self sacrificing bullshit,” Andrew says, eyes a brutal storm.

Neil considers that for a moment and then he tells Andrew, “You changed everything for me.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“California. Palmetto,” Neil says a bit breathlessly. “You changed everything.”

Andrew’s jaw twitches and his nostrils flare when he sucks his teeth. “You’re nearing 200 so I suggest you quit while you’re ahead. You’re going to get out of here, stop acting like you aren’t.”

Neil is silent, looks over Andrew’s shoulder at Romero swinging the bat like it’s a toy he’s using to entertain himself. He takes a step closer and panic renders Neil speechless, but only for a second.

“Andrew, move,” Neil commands, and they both duck away from the swing at the last second.

The bat leaves another hole in the wall and Neil looks from the damage to Romero. He fumbles to adjust the gun in his hand, metal slipping against his bloody fingers. One second Andrew is standing in front of Neil telling him he’s not going to die here and the next Neil is flinching at the sickening thud of the bat connecting with Andrew’s skull. Neil feels like the entire world comes to a standstill when Andrew collapses and he stumbles forward with his finger ready on the trigger. Before Romero can take another swing, Neil aims and pulls it, trips backwards from the force and drops the weapon to the ground as soon as Romero falls over. 

When Andrew falls to the ground he takes Neil’s composure with him. Nathaniel was taught how to hold down his emotions, lock them up and not let them stand in the way, but Neil lets them bury him. The weight of fear, anger, pain, guilt all bear down on him like bricks that knock him to his knees at Andrew’s side. He cradles Andrew’s head in his lap and hardly recognizes his own voice when he starts to cry out, “no, no, no”. Neil stretches over Romero’s crumpled body and digs through his pockets for a phone, dials 911 with shaking hands when he finds it.

“Help me, I need an ambulance. He got hit in the head, I need an ambulance,” Neil sputters into the phone. “I don’t know where we are, we were kidnapped,” Neil explains. “Hurry up, please, I need help. You need to help him.”

Neil pulls Andrew into his lap and checks his pulse again. It’s slow, but it’s there.

“Stay with me, Andrew, do you hear me? Stay with me.”

Neil’s entire body aches with every breath and he can hardly straighten himself, but it doesn’t faze him now. He brushes back the hair that hangs over Andrew’s forehead and feels like fire burns in his throat. 

“Stay,” Neil repeats, though the word is breathless and wet, choked out over a held back sob. “I need you to stay, Andrew.”

Neil keeps his finger on Andrew’s pulse, checks his heart. Neil hears the sound of a door opening with a harsh slam followed by footsteps. Andrew’s heart has slowed more and Neil beats a curled fist angrily, weakly against Andrew’s chest. Neil holds Andrew’s cheek and slaps gently at him as if it will help, folds uncomfortably to get closer and touch their foreheads together. 

“Andrew, wake up,” Neil cries. “Andrew?”

The EMT’s arrive downstairs just seconds later and one pushes Neil out of the way, but Neil crawls back to Andrew’s side, grabs his hand and holds it tight. Neil watches through bleary eyes as they lift Andrew onto a stretcher and put a breathing mask on him. Their voices fade into a buzz and Neil stumbles outside without letting go of Andrew’s hand, barely manages to keep himself upright.

“Son, we need to get you onto a stretcher.”

“I can’t leave him.”

“You need medical attention. Just come this way and we can get you-”

“No,” Neil practically screams. “I’m not leaving him. Figure it out when we get to the hospital.”

“Is that your blood?” the EMT asks, ignoring Neil’s words.

“No,” Neil lies, violently shoves away from the young man when he reaches a hand towards Neil. 

Neil keeps his injuries hidden as best he can, climbs into the ambulance and hovers at Andrew’s side while they get to work. The ride feels like hours and Neil feels stuck in slow motion when they arrive at the nearest hospital, vision blurry and head spinning. Neil watches Andrew get carted inside the building and just makes it through the sliding glass doors before he passes out and hits the ground with a dull smack.

~

Neil wakes up to harsh light that forces his eyes closed before he’s barely opened them. Everything is nothing, he is nothing. There is nothing but white light and a dull beeping sound, and Neil feels like he’s floating. A voice brings him out of it, his name being called. Neil peels his eyes open and it hurts the skin around them just to blink.

“Neil.”

“Coach?”

“Yeah, Neil. It’s me.”

Neil has no idea why coach is in his room, why he’s here at all. Neil nearly opens his mouth to ask if everything is ok, why Coach is here so early, and with another painful blink to clear his vision, reality sets. This isn’t Neil’s room and this isn’t Palmetto. Neil shoots out of bed and a weak cry leaves his throat at the sudden movement. Wymack tries to push him back down gently, but Neil grits his teeth through the pain and manages a ground out, “Where is Andrew?”

Wymack doesn’t answer fast enough and Neil rushes out of bed, wraps his arm around his middle to try to keep some of the pain at bay. He ignores the dizzy spell that befalls him and makes the room world spin. Wymack curses, but Neil barely hears it. He doesn’t hear anything, not the shouting of nurses telling him he isn’t supposed to be up, not Wymack calling after him, nothing. It’s all white noise. 

“Andrew,” he calls out, over and over again, ducks into rooms with no regard for other patients. 

Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. Neil’s voice is ragged, throat sore and bruised from the fight. Wymack catches up to him and holds Neil’s arm down at his side, keeps the other in place against his abdomen.

“Tell me where he is,” Neil begs, crumpling against Wymack. “Coach, please!”

Wymack keeps his grip as tight as he can without hurting Neil. It hurts anyway, but Neil doesn’t mention it.

“Where is he?” Neil asks, louder now, more frantic.

“He’s in the ICU.”

“For what? What’s wrong with him? Is he going to be ok?”

The words spill out too fast and Neil feels like the entire world is crashing down. 

“You have to cut this shit out and relax,” Wymack demands. 

Neil stills and Wymack walks him through the short list of Andrew’s injuries. There are plenty of cuts and bruises, but the worst was to his head. Neil remembers in pieces, sees it when he closes his eyes. Andrew falling to the ground after getting struck with the blunt end of a bat, Neil at his side with his hands covered in his own blood. 

“He took a pretty hard hit. There was some internal bleeding and his orbital bone is fractured, Neil, but they’re doing everything they can.”

Neil shakes his head and claps the back of his hand over his mouth in case the vomit that threatens to spill out actually does. Internal bleeding. The same thing that took his mother. 

“They don’t know-”

Neil cuts Wymack off with a hand in the air between them and takes off running before his own thoughts make him sick. Neil feels like his body might give out on him any second, but he doesn’t stop. The nurse’s shouts and Wymack’s frantic yelling are drowned out by the pain that radiates throughout Neil’s body and the overwhelming fear that makes him dizzy. He follows signs that point to the intensive care unit and slams through doors that say “No visitors beyond this point”, shoves a staff member away with his free arm. He looks through every window in search and stops in his tracks near the end of the hallway.

“Andrew,” Neil calls out, though Andrew can’t hear him.

He flattens his hand against the glass and pounds on it. He feels like the weight of the world is coming down on him, filling his throat and stomach with stones, but nothing is coming out of him except Andrew’s name, broken and tired over and over again. Wymack finds him with nurses in tow and Neil tries to fight them off, doesn’t take his eyes off the lifeless looking body in the hospital bed. Neil slams his hand against the glass again like he’s trying to break it and then his hand falls limp at his side when a needle penetrates his flesh and before his eyes close, he hears Wymack’s voice and the door to Andrew's room open with a click.

~

The next time Neil wakes up, he remembers faster. He doesn’t know how long he’s been out and he doesn’t care. He’s unfazed by the faces staring at him from around the room, but wishes he felt something. The Foxes don’t say anything at first, but Matt tries to stop him when he tries to get out of bed.

“Tell me where he is.”

Matt swallows hard enough for Neil to hear it. “He’s next door.”

“So he’s ok.”

Matt’s expression falters and Neil stumbles out of the room after carefully removing the IV from his arm despite Allison and Renee’s warnings against it. Nobody physically tries to stop him. They know better than that. The Foxes follow him to Andrew’s room and Neil freezes in the doorway. He doesn’t need anyone to tell him, but someone softens the blow. Dan, Neil can tell though the voice sounds far away. 

“He’s out, Neil.”

Neil doesn’t even have the energy to kick them out of the room. He just hobbles over to the side of the bed and climbs into it, fixes himself next to Andrew and ignores the pain of his fractured ribs. Neil checks his heartbeat, curls as close as he can without touching too much since Andrew isn’t awake to say yes and stares at his bruised cheek, his lashes fanned against his skin. 

“Hey. Andrew? Listen to me, it’s Neil. Andrew, you can’t do this. I’m not going to ask you and I’m not going to say that word cause I know you hate it, but I need you to wake up. I’m telling you to wake up, ok? Just wake up, you can’t- you’re too tough for this. This isn’t how it ends, this can’t be how it ends,” Neil says, though it might be more for himself than for Andrew. “Wake up. Listen to me. You know my voice, I know you hear me, you just have to listen.”

Somewhere in the room there’s a hard sniff and a choked cry, but Neil doesn’t properly register it. Neil only goes so far as to interlock their fingers and squeeze, waits for a squeeze back, but doesn’t feel one.

“Just wake up. Come back, I know you’re there, just come back.”

A tear burns a cut on Neil’s cheek as it slides down followed shortly by another, but he ignores it. He hears it again, the sound of someone trying not to cry, the sound of someone who gave up trying, the scuff of shoes on the hospital tile.

“I said always,” Neil says, voice quieter now in a miserable attempt to keep from breaking. “Wake up so we can have always. You have to stay, you have to wake up. Why should I have made it out and not you? I can’t do this without you, I can’t- I don’t want to say all the things I’ve wanted to say if you aren’t awake to tell me to fuck off.”

There’s a deep breath and a muffled curse. Allison, Neil thinks. The sound gets interrupted by something else, but Neil keeps going.

“I need you to wake up. I won’t let you do this to yourself or to me,” Neil says, angrier this time. Someone takes a step forward and Neil instinctively moves closer to Andrew, though the motion makes him wince from the pain it sends shooting through his side.

“Wake up, Andrew. Wake up, come back. You’re a fighter, you can do this. You have the Foxes, you have me and your family… you need to stay, ok? Come back to me, just wake up.”

Neil ignores the nurse’s hand on his shoulder.

“Honey, you have to stay in bed. You can’t just roam around, you need rest.”

“I’m staying here.”

Neil isn’t sure when Wymack walked in, but his voice is as clear as day.

“You’re better off letting him stay there,” Wymack advises.

“I understand, Sir, but I can’t allow that.”

“Allow it this time,” Wymack says. “He won’t leave. Forcing him into his own bed now just means he’ll be out of it again later.” The nurse stares back and looks to Neil, leaves without a word. 

“Coach?”

“Yeah, Neil.”

“Where are his bands?”

“The doctors need them off-”

“Give them to me.”

Neil hears Wymack’s frustrated sigh followed by the sound of chair legs moving against the floor. Wymack returns shortly and tosses the bands into Neil’s lap. He unties them from their knot and slips them onto Andrew’s arms, careful not to disturb any IV’s or move too suddenly. Neil hears footsteps and then silence, one after the other in a pattern as people leave till Neil is the only one left in the room with Andrew.

“Andrew, I need you. I know it’s selfish and I know this is all my fault, but I need you to wake up, I need you to stay with me. I’m not ready to let you go. Wake up, ok? I’ll be right here when you do. I’m not going anywhere. Just wake up, Andrew, just try. You told me to stay and now I’m telling you to stay. You can’t leave, I won’t let you.”

Neil chokes down the lumps in his throat and falls asleep quickly from the medication in his system. He wakes up periodically to check on Andrew and argues with nurses about going back to his room early the next morning.

“I need to be here when he wakes up,” Neil explains.

They leave him be and Neil’s surprised, but doesn’t question it. Another nurse comes in shortly after with water for Neil and he accepts it with a quiet thank you.

Neil turns his attention back to Andrew. He’s a bit pale, his lips are chapped, and there’s a stark contrast of bruising on the side of his face partially covered by his nearly white blonde hair. The same nurse from before comes in to check Andrew’s monitors and Neil glances up at her when she tugs at the fabric on his forearms.

“He doesn’t want people to see.”

The woman nods and turns to pull the curtain closed just in case. Neil swallows hard and doesn’t say anything.

“If you don’t mind, I would like to check you as well. He isn’t the only one in this room that needs medical care and you’re not letting yourself have any.”

“I’ll live.”

“So will he,” she says encouragingly. 

Neil blinks at her and sits up, stays hunched to keep some of the pain at bay. The nurse keeps it to a minimum, checks his stitches, asks about the pain, reminds him to try his best to avoid using the broken side of his body. When she’s done, Neil fixes Andrew’s bands and nods to give the ok to pull back the curtain, but she leaves it in place.

Later in the day on the way back from the bathroom, the pain in Neil’s body becomes too much and he sits down in the closest chair to catch his breath. He didn’t even see Renee at the entrance, but he nods a hello at her now.

“Neil, you need to rest. Let me help you to your room.”

“No, Renee. I need to be here for him.”

Neil takes her in now that she’s come closer. Her eyes are horribly red as is the tip of her nose. Neil reaches a hand out and she helps him up, wraps an arm around his waist while he rests his over her shoulder to keep his balance.

“Talk to him,” Neil urges softly. “It helps.”

Renee swallows hard and tilts her chin up, like Andrew would want anyone to. She tells him she misses him, that she can’t wait to share the goal again. She keeps her voice steady and her grip on Neil tight and when she’s satisfied with what she’s said, she helps Neil to the other side of the bed to sit down. 

“Renee?”

“Yes, Neil?”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do if I lose him.”

Renee’s eyes widen just a little and she says nothing. She ruffles Neil’s hair and he leans into her, startles when the echo of stilettos on tile fills the room.

“If I hear you talk like that again, I’ll break another one of your ribs,” Allison says harshly. “Hold onto him. Don’t even think about the possibility of letting go, do you understand me?”

Neil’s mouth falls open at Allison’s tenacity on the subject, but he nods, latches onto every word like they’ll keep him alive. Allison leaves without another word and Renee gives Neil a squeeze before she follows Allison out of the room.

~

A couple of days pass of Neil only getting up for the bathroom or to get out of the way of nurses checking Andrew’s vitals. He hardly eats and only sleeps because of his medication. Guilt weighs on him like stones in the moments he lies awake holding Andrew’s hand and resting beside him.

Neil hates himself for bringing this on Andrew, but the only person he despises more than himself right now is his father. Even in death, he came back for Neil with a vengeance. All the guilt, hatred, and anger Neil harbors feels like poison in his veins. The more he thinks about it, the harder it is to process so Neil squeezes Andrew’s hand and leans close to him, speaks quietly.

“If you hate me when you wake up and never want to see me again, I’ll understand. But you need to wake up to make that choice so wake up, ok? This has gone on long enough. I miss you, Andrew. Just-”

Neil’s eyes go wide when he feels movement against his hand. He lifts his head and shifts to look at him better, ignoring the shooting pain in his rib cage.

“Andrew? Andrew wake up, I know you’re there.”

A few moments of nothing pass and then Neil feels a squeeze. He yells for a nurse and stares expectantly. 

“He squeezed my hand. He moved, he’s waking up.”

The nurse leaves to call for a primary doctor and Neil stays at Andrew’s side, hands still locked tight.

“Andrew, c’mon, you can do this.”

Andrew shifts only slightly and Neil nearly screams with excitement. The nurses force him out of the room, but Neil fights back viciously. Wymack shows up at the sound of the commotion and tries to calm Neil down to no avail. Neil can hardly see what’s going on inside the room, but he hears voices and movement and a machine gets carted into the room just a minute later.

“I have to be there when he wakes up,” Neil tells the nurse who keeps him restrained.

The door opens again for another nurse to join the group at Andrew’s bedside and Neil takes advantage, tears out of the grips that keep him held back. He’s sure he’s doing more harm to his injuries, but he doesn’t care. He can’t see over the various nurses and the curtain is pulled close, further blocking Neil’s view, but it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters except Andrew’s voice asking where Neil is. Neil shoves at the small crowd, but another nurse holds him back. Andrew’s voice is hoarse, but it’s him, that’s him threatening to make everyone in that room regret keeping him from Neil. Neil throws himself into the wall of people and stumbles through. The harsh movement sends shooting pain through Neil’s side and he yelps, keeps one arm slung protectively over his middle while the other steadies him where he falls against the bed. He pushes himself up and when he lifts his head to look, he meets Andrew’s open eyes. 

Neil ignores his aching, screaming bones and stumbles forward, practically throws himself into Andrew’s arms. Neil wraps his arm around Andrew as tightly as can, clings to him like it’ll cost his life if he lets go. Neil’s fingers claw into Andrew’s shoulder and when he lets go, he touches Andrew’s cheek and forehead as carefully as he can manage, stares at him with wide, wondrous eyes.

“You’re awake,” Neil says, like it’s the most beautiful, miraculous fact he’s ever known.

“I thought you were dead. I heard you here.”

“Mr. Josten, Mr. Minyard, we need to run tests. We need-”

“Get out,” Andrew says, not looking away from Neil for even a second. “I can breathe. My head is fuzzy and my body hurts. Write it down and take care of it later.”

Neil makes a hoarse sound somewhere between a laugh and a cry because that’s his Andrew. Neil is sure the nurse is glaring and can feel all eyes on them, but he pays it no mind. Andrew doesn’t tell him to shut up or stop, he just pulls Neil closer and Neil holds him tight enough that it probably hurts them both.

“This is all my fault. I’m so sorry-”

“Shut up.”

“I never wanted anyone else to get hurt, especially not you.”

“Stop talking.”

Neil ignores him. “If I never came here, if I left when I had the chance- this is my fault, Andrew.”

“You didn’t do this,” Andrew says sternly. “Never again. Do you understand me?”

Neil swallows hard and nods. Andrew inspects Neil’s injuries and it’s the first time Neil’s paid any attention to them himself. Andrew smooths his thumb over Neil’s blackened eye and Neil remembers the cut on the side of his face when Andrew fingers the tape on Neil’s skin. Neil’s neck is bruised where fingers wrapped around it and nearly crushed his windpipe, and Andrew’s shoulders knot with tension at the sight. Bruises litter Neil’s knuckles and Andrew carefully brushes his fingertips over the broken, darkened skin that matches his own. Neil shifts and flinches with the movement and Andrew’s gaze darkens.

“What hurts?”

“I have two fractured ribs and stitches.”

Andrew stares at Neil silently, a storm brewing behind his eyes. Tension builds in his shoulders and Neil rests his hand against one, presses his fingertips gently into Andrew’s flesh to try to calm him.

“I thought I was going to lose you again.”

Neil swallows hard enough for it to hurt his sore throat. He shakes his head and runs his fingers over a cut on Andrew’s temple.

“And I thought I was gonna lose you,” Neil says. “You scared me for a while there.”

“Have you been here the whole time?”

“I couldn’t leave you,” Neil answers softly.

Before he can say another word, Wymack bursts in followed by the other Foxes. Neil doesn’t look up and neither does Andrew, but it’s not long before they’re surrounded on all sides anyway. Renee rests a gentle hand on Andrew’s shoulder and he nods when she squeezes. At that, she hugs him like if she lets go he’ll disappear and Neil looks away from them, lets his eyes fall on Allison who stands beside him and rests her arm on his head.

“Glad he’s ok,” she says quietly and Neil gets this urge to hug her, but doesn’t. 

Neil brushes Andrew’s hair out of the way to check the wound again and trails his fingers over Andrew’s bruises.

“We should let them check you,” Neil says, fingers lingering near Andrew’s cheek.

“Don’t go,” Andrew commands, though Neil wouldn’t have anyway.

Everyone finds a place in the room while the doctors give Andrew a run through of his injuries and the side effects of the head trauma he’ll most likely have to deal with for a while. 

“You can only get better from here,” the doctor says and Neil almost passes out from the relief he feels. “You on the other hand,” the doctor says almost accusatory when he looks at Neil and points with his pen, “seem to insist on making yourself worse. We need to take a look at those fractures and your stitches. You need bed rest, no more of this.”

Neil feels Andrew’s gaze burning into him, but he keeps his gaze trained on the floor or the doctor in front of him.

“Can we move my bed into this room?”

“At this point, I’ll even consider bribery if it means getting you to stay where you are supposed to.”

The Foxes laugh at that and Neil smugly raises his eyebrows. Allison shoves at the side of his head playfully and he stays put until an attendant rolls his bed into the room. Matt and Dan wrap Neil in the gentlest hug they can manage and he winces when they squeeze a little tighter, but his slick smile lets them know he was joking.

“Is your head hurt?” Dan asks. 

“Not seriously.”

She nods and smacks Neil upside the head, not hard enough to hurt, but seemingly hard enough to earn a deathly stare from Andrew.

“Relax, shortstack,” Allison says when she catches the look.

Andrew ignores her and Neil shoots him a look. Before Neil can settle into his bed, Aaron stops him.

“Can I have a second with my brother?”

Neil nods and starts to walk away without question. “Of course.”

Wymack helps Neil out of the room and clears his throat to get Neil’s attention.

“The FBI agents are waiting to speak with you.”

“What, now?”

“No. They called the night you got here. I told them to give you some time to recoup first and then you would talk to them.”

“Have they told you anything?”

“No. Do you have anything for them?”

“Nothing,” Neil sighs.

He stares at the ground with hopeless eyes. Wymack gives Neil a rougher than intended smack on the shoulder and tells him, “Neither of you are going anywhere except back home. Understood?”

Neil nods and lets his head fall forward. Coach gives Neil’s shoulder a firm squeeze and leaves him to wait for Aaron. When he leaves the room, he looks tense, but Neil refrains from saying anything. Aaron pauses in front of him and Aaron swallows all his pride to say thank you. Neil’s not sure for what considering he’s the reason they nearly lost Andrew, but he doesn’t argue. He just nods and turns into the room, meets Andrew’s gaze as he climbs into his bed. Neil is out of breath by the time he gets comfortable and Andrew watches with an expression that’s somewhere in between pained and absolutely livid. Andrew isn’t supposed to be up and about either, but that doesn’t stop him from going to Neil’s side, slowed down by a limp.

“You’ve been hurting yourself.”

“Not on purpose.”

Andrew lifts Neil’s hospital gown carefully and Neil shakes his head. 

“I’m wrapped up. You won’t see anything.”

“Then what is this?”

Neil follows Andrew’s stare to the blood spotted bandage on his side. Andrew pushes the fabric higher to reveal dark blotches, purple and blue-green littering Neil’s skin. Anger returns to Andrew’s eyes and Neil scratches gently through Andrew’s hair, tugs it to get his attention.

“I’m not much worse than you. Don’t worry about me.”

Andrew lifts his own gown to look and Neil’s breath gets caught in his throat. He figured Andrew would bear the bruises, but it hadn’t fully set in yet since Neil hasn’t gotten a good look at them. Now Neil sees Andrew is covered in black and blue over his right side. Neil reaches out to touch him, but stretching hurts so he shifts completely and sits up next to Andrew.

“Nothing’s broken?”

“No,” Andrew answers, ignoring Neil’s concern. “You’re bleeding.”

Neil blinks hard, like he’s physically pushing back the memory. “I have stitches where Jackson stabbed me,” he reminds. He grabs Andrew’s hand and gently guides his fingers over the two wounds. “Here and here.”

Andrew looks furious. Neil shakes his head and waits for Andrew to say something, but he stirs in silence.

“Do you remember any of it?”

“All of it, I think.”

Neil follows Andrew’s gaze to the bandage wrapped around his wrist. Neil swallows hard and wishes he had something to say or that he knew how Andrew was feeling. Andrew skims his fingers over the gauze and their gazes fall on each other. Neil touches Andrew’s hair again, lets Andrew grab his hand and wrap it in his own.

“You look exhausted,” Andrew observes blankly. 

Neil recognizes the subject change and doesn’t argue it. He just agrees with a tired, “I am.”

Andrew nods and helps Neil lie down and climbs in next to him, curls against Neil’s broken side to give his body some support. Andrew rests his arm around Neil and links their fingers together, plays with Neil’s hand absentmindedly.

“I know you don’t believe in regret,” Neil says, eyes on their twined fingers, “but I’m surprised you haven’t started to.”

Andrew freezes. “It would take more than this to make me regret keeping you.”

“You nearly died, Andrew.”

“I told you to stay.”

“And look where it’s gotten us.”

Andrew pauses. Neil twists uncomfortably to stare at him, expecting him to talk. He looks thoughtful, like he’s taking the time to piece together his words before he lets them slip out.

“You staying has done more than put us both in the hospital. I told you to stay and it was worth it. I wouldn’t change it and if you ever believe otherwise, I’ll put you back in here.”

Neil swallows hard enough to hurt the bruises on his throat. Andrew’s expression hardens and Neil takes it as a cue to cut the conversation so he adjusts again, sighs when the pain eases a little. Andrew slides his fingers in and out of place between Neil’s, lines up their fingertips and taps to a mindless rhythm till they both fall asleep to the sound of heart monitors and each other’s breathing.

~

Recovery is Neil’s least favorite part of the beatings life has dealt him. It’s long and slow, and Neil’s too impatient, too hungry to do what he wants.

Luckily, the only thing he can’t really do is play Exy. Kevin is sour about it, but Dan is never afraid to put him in his place on or off the court. As insane as it makes him to watch practices from the sidelines and review drills and games for Coach, he doesn’t feel entirely lost without it. Spending every available minute with Andrew isn’t considered strenuous physical activity and neither is kissing him, so all the pent up energy and frustration of missing time on the court has an outlet. When they get too into it, Andrew forces them to a halt to make sure Neil isn’t hurting himself.

Unsurprisingly, the Foxes have been incredibly supportive. Neil hates not being able to pull his own weight, but any time he tries anything that might hurt him or slow his healing, someone is there to stop him and help out. Allison and Matt have been especially attentive, stopping by Neil’s room just to check in, helping him to their rooms for snacks and down time.

Nicky has gone into full on mom mode. It’s as amusing and endearing as it is annoying, Neil thinks. Any time he feels himself about to lash out against Nicky’s overwhelming concern, he remembers Nicky in the hospital, tired eyed and inconsolable.

Abby nearly lost her mind when she saw Andrew and Neil. She’d told them, “You boys will be the death of me one of these days,” and Neil shook his head.

“That means you wouldn’t be here to put us back together. Pick your poison.”

That made Abby smile and she patted his shoulder before she gave him a quick check up to scope his injuries.

“Still Neil,” she’d said, and Neil looked down at his scarred hands and his PSU sweatshirt, at Andrew sitting across for him waiting for his turn. 

“Still Neil,” he repeated to himself.

Just a week out of the hospital and being back at Palmetto has made Neil feel like he’s back on solid ground. His extended hospital stay couldn’t help avoid the aftermath of Jackson and Romero’s attack and Neil’s FBI agents brought the interrogation to him. Just like the first time, Andrew didn’t leave Neil’s side for a second. Browning and Towns determined after what felt like endless questioning that Neil and Andrew’s case was decidedly an issue of self defense and would hopefully hold up in court. Neil figured as much, but hearing it from Browning was remarkably comforting. There was still the issue of why and Browning didn’t entirely believe Neil when he couldn’t give a helpful answer.

“If I knew, I would tell you. You’ve guaranteed my safety in the past and I cooperated, why would that change?”

They went in circles, but Neil’s answers remained the same repeated “I don’t know” until it was over.

“I don’t want to be in another spotlight because of all this,” Neil told them.

“You tell us what we need to know and we’ll do our best to keep this all quiet and easy.”

“And I don’t want Andrew in trouble.”

The look Browning sent between them was annoyed, but he was willing to try where he could. Andrew was a flight risk as it was with his past parole and behavioral history. The last thing Neil would want is for Andrew to be taken away from him because of all this after they fought so hard just to stay together. 

Neil had given as much info as he could without putting the Moriyama’s name at risk the first time around and this time he honestly had no clue if anyone was behind this or if his father’s men simply wanted revenge so there was nothing to risk. Most of what Neil said was redundant, but he didn’t mind repeating to save Andrew and himself any trouble. To Neil’s knowledge, Jackson and Romero were the last two key people in the Wesninski circle. There was nothing else to say, nothing else Neil knew, and after several rounds of what felt like endless questioning, Browning left him with a promise that Neil would hear from him soon.

What Neil never expected was who else he’d hear from. Stuart Hatford didn’t dare show his face at the hospital, but he’d found a way to keep quiet at Palmetto long enough to slide an envelope under Neil and Andrew’s door that Neil finds after a practice he helped run. The thought of his uncle breaking into his dorm and simply being in Neil and Andrew’s space makes him feel sick, but he brushes it off. Andrew waits silently while Neil reads the letter and only goes to Neil when his jaw falls slack.

_\--Nathaniel,_

_I’m sure you remember my offer to make a deal with Ichirou last year. You must also remember that he took ownership of you in this deal by your own accord. You were free to live as long as your success could pay him whatever he desired._

_The death of your father’s last two men is something Little Boss and myself wanted with equal fervor. That it happened at you and your friend’s hands didn’t bode well for you initially, but I met with him again. It may have been messy, but in a way you did both of our parties a favor. You have shown great resilience and more trustworthiness than your father ever did. No loose end has ever tied itself so tightly and it is clear to both of us that your self preservation works out for all of us in the end._

_Doing right by my sister means doing right by you and so I want to tell you this and nothing else. Little Boss is still rebuilding his empire and I’ve managed to convince him that you need not be a part of it. Whatever happens after your graduation, you will live. You and your teammates are free. Do not put me into this position again or it may not work out so well a third time._

_Yours,_

_Stuart--_

“What does it say?”

Neil’s fingers shake where they grip the letter. He looks away from it and into Andrew’s eyes, feels the familiar yet strange bite of hope in his gut. Neil’s laugh sounds maniacal, but it’s pure relief, excitement, it’s reaching the finish line he’s been running towards all along. He never said it, too happy with what he got to give into the gnawing doubt and anger, but Neil never wanted the deal with Ichirou. He took it because it would keep him alive and keep him where he wanted- on the court and near Andrew. Neil guesses that there is some loophole he doesn’t know about, that in the end he is still a piece on someone else’s chessboard, but Ichirou’s promise of execution is void and that’s enough.

“It’s over.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Read it,” Neil says, passing the paper to Andrew.

He watches Andrew’s eyes scan the paper. When Andrew looks up, there’s a dull glow to his eyes, a flicker of something Neil thinks might be hope of his own. He doesn’t press, just takes the letter from Andrew when he’s done reading it.

“Kevin and Jean are free,” Neil says happily.

Andrew cuts in with, “So are you.”

Neil nods in disbelief. He brushes gentle fingers over the bruising on Andrew’s cheek. It seems to lighten up every day and dizzy spells are fewer and far between. Andrew pulls Neil’s fingers away to slot them with his own and Neil’s heart swells. When he meets Andrew’s eyes, the realization that he’s staring into forever settles in and his stomach aches with hope and desperation.

“It’s over,” Neil repeats, not realizing he’s spoken the words out loud.

Every bruise and beating, every name and sleepless night lead to this. Every scar, every city, every promise kept or broken. The moments flash through his mind so fast it makes him dizzy and he shuts his eyes, rests his head against Andrew’s.

“You’re ok,” Andrew says, voice quiet and even, his breath tangible on Neil’s mouth.

Neil lets Andrews words settle, repeats them in his head. There’s nothing to run from anymore, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Neil will always plan escape routes and look over his shoulder because it’s ingrained in who he is, but there will be no reason to get out, nobody waiting for him.

Neil is home. Neil belongs to nobody, but he belongs to Andrew. Neil takes a deep breath and when he lets it go, relief settles his bones into place, loosens his shoulders. 

Neil catches his breath and gives it to Andrew. There’s no urgency, no rush. There’s one lazy mouth on another, guiding hands on Neil’s neck. There are sunsets on open road to a future that’s theirs for the keeping. There is a past begging to be left in the ground, buried with all of Neil’s old selves and there is now, in Andrew’s arms, with an unspoken promise they’ll both keep.

Always.


End file.
